Stronger Marriage Connection
It's often said that marriage takes work. The Stronger Marriage Connection podcast wants to help because a happy marriage is worth the effort. USU Family Life Professor Dr. Dave Schramm and psychologist Dr. Liz Hale talk with experts about the principles and practices that will grow your commitment, compassion, and emotional connection.
More than ever before, marriages face obstacles, from the busyness of work and daily hassles to disagreements and digital distractions. It's no wonder why couples sometimes drift apart, becoming resentful, lonely, and isolated.
The Utah Marriage Commission invites you to listen and discover new ways to strengthen and protect your marriage connection today!
Episodes
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Dr Cole Ratcliffe | Respond To Your Partners Needs Not Behaviors | #39
Play EpisodeOn today’s podcast of Stronger Marriage Connection, Dave and Liz talk to Dr. Cole Ratcliffe about how we often get stuck in bad behaviors in our marriage relationships. Dr. Ratcliffe explains five steps that help eliminate bad behavior and provides some tips that might help increase connection in a sustainable way. Showing our partners we love them takes time and effort, but is incredibly worth it!
Timestamps:
0:00 – Introduction: Who is Cole Ratcliffe?
2:29 – Why are annoying and bad behaviors so common?
4:42 – “Helping” is not always helpful
7:10 – Why we get stuck in bad behavior
10:48 – Marriage is the great revealer of weaknesses
14:54 – There is no justification for bad behavior
17:15 – Take personal responsibility for our needs
19:25 – Recognize your partner’s needs
20:32 – 5 Steps to help eliminate bad behavior
25:10 – Simple things to do to improve connection
26:40 – How to say I love you in a personal way
28:44 – Patience is the 5th step
29:40 – Investment in unselfishness is the key for a stronger marriage connection
31:12 – Resources from Cole Ratcliffe
31:59 – Cole’s takeaway: taking time to understand gives us traction for meeting our partners emotions and
needs
32:39 – Liz’s takeaway: turn around the meaning of “but” in our apologies
33:11 – Dave’s takeaway: don’t react to the behavior, respond to the needAbout Cole Ratcliffe:
Cole Ratcliffe was raised in Springville, Utah, and completed a bachelor’s degree at BYU. He obtained a masters and doctoral degree in marriage and family therapy from Kansas State University. Currently, he teaches full-time at BYU-Idaho in Marriage and Family Studies and oversees their online program. He has
taught numerous courses in his career, such as human development, marriage, marriage prep, marriage skills, parenting, and relationship education. Dr. Ratcliffe maintains a small private clinical practice where he conducts individual, marriage, and family therapy, including discernment counseling. He has been married for 16 years to his wife Jenna and together they have 5 (almost 6) children. In his spare time, he enjoys spending time with his family, hiking, hunting, playing sports, and watching college football.Insights:
Cole: Take personal responsibility for having our needs met.
Dave: Don’t react to the behavior. See the unmet needs.
Liz: We need to turn around the meaning of “but” in our apologies.
Invites:
- Focus on the things you can control.
- Respond to the need underneath the behavior.
- Identify the things you need to stop doing. Apologize with the proper use of the word “but”.
- Find a few small and simple things to increase connection that are sustainable.
- Be patient with yourself and with others.
Cole Ratcliffe Links:
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
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Navigating the Newlywed Years | Dr. Jeremy Boden | #38
Play EpisodeOur conversation today is with Dr. Jeremy Boden who talks about the importance realistic and hopeful expectation have in creating a stronger marriage connection. By committing to our partner and being aware of their needs, we can build our relationships in such a way that helps them last beyond the newlywed years.
Timestamps:
0:00 – Introduction: Who is Jeremy Boden?
1:56 – Why would we need relationship education when we love each other so much?
4:59 – Marriage is a loss of some expectations
7:00 – Biggest issues newlyweds face
9:26 – Intentionality is key to avoid “drifting”
11:04 – Adjust expectations
15:40 – Expectations will be adjusted throughout our lives
16:43 – What does commitment look like?
21:55 – Over-reactions can wreck our connections
23:15 – S.T.O.P. technique
24:40 – Resources for newlyweds
26:35 – Keys to a stronger marriage connection – Safe, Seen, and Soothed
29:12 – How to prepare for and navigate the newlywed years
30:38 – How to choose a marriage partner
32:38 – Jeremy’s takeaway: be aware of your partner
33:58 – Liz’s takeaway: there is always hope
35:13 – Dave’s takeaway: exercise mindful awarenessAbout Jeremy Boden:
Dr. Jeremy Boden is an associate professor of family science at Utah Valley University. He teaches courses in marriage and relationships, human sexuality, family dynamics, and couples therapy in the marriage and family therapy program. Jeremy is a licensed marriage and family therapist and maintains a small private practice in
Provo, Utah where he specializes in couples and discernment counseling. He's also the owner and director of the Center for Marriage Preparation which helps couples get ready for marriage through his Before We Say I Do program. Jeremy is married to his beautiful and wonderful wife, Daria and they are the parents of four children.Insights:
Jeremy: Help foster a stronger connection with your partner by helping them feel safe, seen, and soothed.
Dave: Compassion is the blood of relationships.
Liz: Expectations for your relationship will always need to be adjusted throughout your life.Invites:
• For the first 5 years of your marriage, commit to reading one marriage book with your partner per year.
• Connect once a day and date once a week with your partner.
• Talk with your partner about what expectations might be in your wagonJeremy Boden Links:
- https://marriageandfamilysolutions.teachable.com/
- https://www.symbis.com/couples/
- https://extension.usu.edu/strongermarriage/relate-assessment
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
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Brain Habits for Hacking Happiness | Dr. Alex Korb | #37
Play EpisodeOn today’s episode of the stronger marriage connection, Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz have a great conversation with Dr. Alex Korb talking about the little things we can do to create a stronger marriage connection. Happiness hacks start with us which then can translate into strengthening our relationships through understanding our own and other’s perceptions.
Timestamps
0:00 – Introduction: Who is Alex Korb?
2:25 – What makes the Upward Spiral unique?
7:45 – The healthy “we” starts with the healthy “me”
9:10 – Our brains are wired to notice the negative and ignore consistency
12:48 – Practicing gratitude; direct your attention to what you can acknowledge is good
14:47 – Understanding depression and anxiety
15:57 – Acknowledge that you have a perspective
18:09 – Depression and anxiety are common; there is nothing broken or wrong with your brain
20:53 – Why do we get stuck in bad habits so easily?
24:29 – Focus on the little small tweaks for your body that create an upward spiral
30:28 – Gratitude is something you can do on your own to improve your relationships
34:16 – Breaking negative patterns activates reward circuits
37:12 – Expressing gratitude does not have an expiration date
39:22 – When to reach out to a medical professional
42:09 – Any step is better than being stuck
43:21 – Everyone’s perspectives are different
46:20 – Alex’s takeaway: when things are feeling really bad, realize that things aren’t as bad as they seem
48:33 – Liz’s takeaway: why the why
48:53 – Dave’s takeaway: Doing small things breaks up relationship rutsAbout Alex Korb
Dr. Alex Korb is a neuroscientist, coach, and bestselling author of The Upward Spiral. He is the founder of The Upward Spiral Method where he helps smart, passionate professionals conquer unnecessary overthinking, stress, and self-doubt to unleash the brain's potential for passion, productivity, and purpose. Dr. Korb has a wealth of experience in yoga and mindfulness, physical fitness, and even stand-up comedy.
Insights
Alex: All we need to do is one small step. It doesn’t have to fix everything, it just has to be better than the default of the downward spiral your brain wants to go in.
Dave: A little small win can help create an upward spiral for our relationships.
Liz: Understanding why something is good for me rather than being told what to do gets my attention
Invites:
• To get out of a mental rut, take a little step to break out of your brain’s default of negative habits. Try going for a walk, stepping outside in the sun, or even standing up for a few seconds.
• Expressing gratitude and kindness is something in your control. Write down a few things you may take for granted but are grateful for nonetheless. Doing so tells your brain to focus more on the good rather on the negative.
• You can’t always control your feelings, but you can control your actions. Take action by saying thank you to someone that influenced you in some way, even if it was a few days, weeks, or years ago. Gratitude does not have an expiration date. In fact, it tends to have even greater weight and mean more to the receiver over time.Alex Korb Links
https://www.facebook.com/alexkorb
https://www.instagram.com/alexkorbphd/
https://alexkorbphd.click/guide
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
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Taking Your Marriage From Good to Great | Dr. Terri Orbuch | #36
Play EpisodeToday Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz sit down with Dr. Terri Orbuch who is also known as the love doctor and discuss taking your marriage from good to great. From communication to frustration to positivity and managing money, Terri breaks things down into practical principles that anyone can apply.
Timestamps:
0:00 – Introduction: Who is Terri Orbuch?
2:49 – Terri’s research
4:32 – 46% of married couples divorce
5:15 – The positive and optimistic statistic of 71% of divorced couples
7:52 – Affirmations in marriage
9:54 – The biggest reason relationships don’t work is frustration
11:05 – Conflict, disagreements and differences are inevitable
12:34 – We need to make sure we have realistic expectations
14:38 – What is more important to husbands than wives?
16:03 – We need to feel like we are part of a team
18:44 – The 10-minute rule that partners need to practice
21:43 – Excitement and passion declining is inevitable in all relationships
23:15 – Do something new and novel with your partner
25:26 – Three strategies to increase passion and excitement in your relationship
26:37 – It is ok to take a break when you are irritated
28:37 – Keep each issue or specific annoyance separate
30:31 – The number one source of tension or conflict among couples is money
33:00 – Happy couples focus on what’s going well, and focus on the positive
35:21 – Resources
37:22 – TakeawaysAbout Terri Orbuch:
Dr. Terri Orbuch is a world-renowned relationship expert, author, speaker, therapist,
distinguished professor at Oakland University, research scientist at University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research and media personality whose practical science based advice had helped 1000’s of people find and create the loving relationships they deserve. She is also the director of a landmark study funded by the National Institutes of Health, where she has been following the same couples for over three decades.Insights:
Terri: It is all about the little things, waking up and giving affirmations or actions of affirmations. Spending 10 minutes every single day taking about something other than those four topics.
Dave: The little affirmations and things are powerful.
Liz: Take one issue at a time, your brain gets overloaded and overwhelmed if you try to do too much at once.
Invites:
- Take on one issue at a time within your relationship
- It’s all in the little things, spread daily affirmations to your partner
- Practice the 10-minute rule with your partner each dayTerri Orbuch Links:
https://drterrithelovedoctor.com
https://www.facebook.com/DrTerriLoveDr/
https://twitter.com/drterrilovedr?lang=en
https://www.instagram.com/terriorbuch/?hl=en
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
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Overcoming Sexual Struggles in Marriage | Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife | #35
Play EpisodeOn today’s episode, Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz talk with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife about
healthy sexuality and why many struggle in this area. She also discusses how to develop the capacity for deeper emotional and sexual intimacy. She shares the number one goal she has for people who visit with her and her practice.Timestamps:
0:00 – Introduction: Who is Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife
2:53 – Where do you begin in your sexuality coaching with clients?
3:18 – Time, sex, and money are the top three issues for newlywed couples
6:10 – Marriage is a divine institution
7:07 – Top insights from studies and dissertation
9:40 – The number one goal is increasing people’s ability to have joy
11:49 – No other relationship matters like the one right in front of me
13:30 – Marriage struggles are not a problem, but a process
14:30 – The perfect storm
16:19 – Controlling in the marriage
18:28 – What can I do to help?
19:16 – There is nothing strange with differences in couples
20:50 – Finding more space and respect
21:35 – We love strength in people
22:43 – Perfectionism is a terror that humanity will expose us as unlovable
25:03 – Superwoman complex
26:57 – Recognize when you are stressed or anxious
28:53 – We don’t get to choose if we experience anxiety
31:11 – Being willing to face truth through the looking glass of marriage
32:33 – Where to go for more information from Jennifer
33:26 – TakeawaysAbout Dr. Finlayson-Fife:
Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is an LDS relationship and sexuality coach with a Ph.D. in
Counseling Psychology. Her teaching and coaching focus on helping LDS individuals
and couples achieve greater satisfaction and passion in their emotional and sexual
relationships. In addition to her private practice, Dr. Finlayson-Fife has created five empowering and highly reviewed online courses. Each course was designed to give LDS individuals and couples the tools requisite to creating healthier lives and stronger intimate relationships. Dr. Finlayson-Fife also offers many workshops and retreats where she teaches these life-changing principles in person. Dr. Finlayson-Fife is a frequent guest on LDS-themed podcasts about sexuality, relationships, mental health, and faith. She is also the creator and host of Room for Two, a popular sex and intimacy coaching podcast.Insights:
Dave: Time, sex, and money are the top three issues for newlywed couples. Relationship
happiness is often at stake with all of this.Liz: If I can’t say no, then I am not free to say yes.
Dr. Finlayson-Fife: All unnecessary suffering is a part of avoiding necessary suffering. Suffering is a part of life. Decide to step into purposeful discomfort, purposeful suffering, to become stronger.
Invites:
• Make sure you can take a step back when you are following a negative pattern, ask
yourself, what role you have in the pattern? How are you feeding it?
• In the chaos, uncertainty, and anxiety of life, push for what is true. Trust the process and the honesty in your marriage, it will show you what you need to know to be stronger.
• None of us chooses whether we experience anxiety, we only get to choose whether its productive or unproductive.Dr. Finlayson-Fife Links:
https://www.finlayson-fife.com
https://www.instagram.com/finlaysonfife/?hl=en
https://www.facebook.com/finlaysonfife/https://www.youtube.com/@Dr.Finlayson-Fife
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
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Love & Constructive Conflict | Dr. Chad Ford | #34
Play EpisodeOn today’s episode of the stronger marriage connection, Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz sit
down with Chad Ford, author of the book Dangerous Love, to discuss some tips and tools about how we can change the conflict patterns within our relationships.Timestamps:
0:00 – Introduction: Who is Chad Ford?
2:50 – What is dangerous love?
4:57 – Dangerous love demands fearlessness; choosing love over fear
6:16 – Fearlessness is being vulnerable without guarantee that your partner will be too
8:49 – Nothing about conflict will change until we change
11:10 – “Us-preservation” instead of self-preservation
14:52 – You don’t have to agree to come up with a solution that works for the both of you
17:15 – Dangerous love is meeting people where they’re at & finding a way forward together
19:06 – Conflict doesn't happen to us; we’re part of a pattern in conflict
21:25 – Conflict doesn’t have to be destructive; great relationships include conflict
23:06 – Change without guarantee that your partner is going to change
25:58 – Turn to see your partner because it’s the right thing to do
27:50 – If I were to give my whole heart to my partner, what would it occur to me to do?
29:04 – Fear is what keep us from giving our whole hearts
32:32 – Fairness and connectedness are not the same thing
33:58 – In a great marriage is harmony; you can’t harmonize with yourself
35:44 – Chad’s takeaway: conflict isn’t impossible, there's always something you can do
36:24 – Liz’s takeaway: we need each other in growing and developing and embracing conflict
37:00 – Dave’s takeaway: slowing down to see things from their perspective creates
vulnerability, compassion, and this new awareness.About Chad Ford:
Chad Ford has been living five lives simultaneously for nearly 20 years. He’s been an
international conflict mediator, a college professor, a senior consultant and facilitator for the Arbinger Institute, an executive board member for PeacePlayers and a writer, analyst and entrepreneur covering the NBA and NBA Draft for ESPN. After completing a Master’s degree in conflict analysis and resolution from George Mason University and a Juris Doctorate from Georgetown University Law School in 2000, Chad was poised to begin his career as a conflict mediator and facilitator. At BYU-Hawaii, Chad created a major and certificate program in intercultural peacebuilding, mediation and facilitation. Chad and his wife Amanda, who teaches courses in family conflict transformation and mindfulness, have worked with thousands of students from over 90 countries in the world. Chad’s work has earned him Professor of the Year honors at BYU-Hawaii and made Intercultural Peacebuilding one of the most popular programs on campus.Insights:
Chad: If I want something to change, it starts with me.
Dave: Heed and answer to that inner call to connect.
Liz: Marriage is the ultimate self improvement project.Invites:
● Instead of waiting for your partner to change, recognize the part you play in conflict and seek to change it without any guarantee that your partner will do the same. You may
find that your partner’s response to your change is exactly what you hoped.
● Examine whether there is contempt in your relationship. If you “horibilize” your partner by objectifying them and only seeing their faults and their weaknesses, you might be guilty of contempt.
● As yourself, “ If I were to give my whole heart to my partner, what would it occur to me to do?”. Be still and then heed that inner call to connect.Chad Ford Links:
- https://dangerouslovebook.com/
- https://dangerouslovebook.com/dangerous-love-podcast/
- https://dangerouslovebook.com/conflict-styles-assessment/
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
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Mindfulness in Marriage| Dr. Jacob Hess | #33
Play EpisodeToday’s conversation is one you don’t want to miss! Listen in to the Stronger
Marriage Connection as Dave and Liz sit down with Dr. Jacob Hess, a master of mindfulness, to discuss the realities of love and romance & what is hijacking relationships today.TimeStamps:
0:00 – Introduction: Who is Dr. Jacob Hess?
2:36 – What is hijacking relationships & causing couples to drift apart?
4:52 – The narratives of romance - how things are “supposed” to be
6:56 – What is the reality of romance?
9:30 – People look to their romantic partner to somehow meet all of their needs
11:26 – Allow your relationships to be human and allow your partner to be a human being
14:27 – See your partner as they are, rather than how they’re supposed to be
16:46 – The relationship hijack of self-absorption
18:46 – Whole soul romance: when someone loves your mind & heart, not just how they feel
around you
20:46 – Micro moments of love
22:31 – Small things over time create a new kind of momentum for the relationship to grow
24:25 – Honing the ability to show love generally, but especially to our partner
26:56 – Infatuation & fireworks draw people together, committed & enduring love keeps them
together
29:31 – The difference between loving a person and loving a particular idea about love
31:07 – Follow the peace, not the passion
33:17 – Every marriage has waves, learn to surf them instead of fight them
34:25 – Jacob’s takeaway of the day: Instead of constantly forcing a story on everybody around,
let each moment with somebody be new. Let people breathe.
35:16 – Liz’s takeaway: Tranquil affection - loving with great warmth & affection
35:50 – Dave’s takeaway: Take something ordinary in your relationship and make it extra
ordinaryAbout Jacob Hess:
Jacob Hess is the author of 14 peer-reviewed studies on competing narratives of difficult health and social issues, as well as a book on what’s hijacking romance, “Once Upon a Time...He Wasn’t Feeling It Anymore, and two others: “The Power of Stillness: Mindful Living for Latter-Day Saints” with Carrie Skarda, Kyle Anderson and Ty Mansfield. And with his Marxist-Atheist friend Phil Neisser, Dean of the State University of New York, “You’re Not as Crazy as I Thought, But You’re Still Wrong.” Jacob is a former board member of the National Coalition of Dialogue & Deliberation, and writes for Deseret News and Public Square Magazine about making space for thoughtful, good-hearted people to find understanding (and affection) while exploring together the deepest of disagreements. Jacob has taught Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction and helped create online mindfulness-based recovery programs for depression/anxiety (Lift) and sexual compulsivity (Fortify) that have reached 200K in 155 countries. He is currently working with Impact Suite on a mental health fitbit and with The Council for Sustainable Healing on ways to encourage families to build a healing sanctuary at home to counteract depression and anxiety. Jacob is a happy father of five, partner of one amazing gal – and mediocre goatherd.
Insights:
Jacob: There's something about being in the presence of someone who you feel, not only their full attention, but you feel held in their affection too.
Dave: There are little micro moments in life and in our marriages that we can't let pass by.
Liz: We have to understand love. We must know what love is in order to receive it and give it.
Invites:
● How you greet your spouse matters. Make your partner feel special by conveying your excitement at seeing them when they come home after a long day at work or after being apart for a few days. This will surprise your partner and make them feel loved.
● Examine what narratives of romance you consciously or unconsciously expect from your relationship. Try asking yourself some of these hard questions and answer honestly.
What do you really want to love? Has this story of romance seduced you so far that
you're willing to toss this person aside as some barrier on your pathway to your grand
fulfillment? Or could it be that the very person in front of you, this human being that has
their own challenges, could be the pathway to deeper love?
● Take the ordinary things in your relationships and make them extraordinary. Do this by giving your partner an impromptu five second hug or leaving them a note saying how
much you appreciate them. Even the mundane parts of life can be turned into moments
of connection.Dr. Jacob Hess Links:
- unthinkable.cc
- https://www.deseret.com/authors/jacob-hess
- https://publicsquaremag.org/author/jhess/
- https://www.joinfortify.com/Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
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Safe Conversations | Clay & Sonja Arnold | #32
Play EpisodeOn today’s episode, Dave and Liz are joined by Clay and Sonja Arnold, relational
coaches and communication experts, to discuss safe conversations - what they are and how couples can use them to decrease negativity and foster more connection in their relationships.Timestamps:
0:00 – Introduction: Who are Sonja & Clay Arnold?
2:23 – What exactly is a safe conversation & how did it get started?
4:56 – Sentence Stems - phrases used to keep us from triggering negative responses
6:09 – “Is there more about that?”
8:28 – Make an appointment to talk with your partner first; ask “is now a good time to talk
about [blank]”
11:03 – Why is effectively listening to our partner so difficult to do?
14:04 – Couples should strive for zero negativity in their conversations
16:25 – Owning your mistakes & making repairs quickly
19:05 – Address the negativity in your relationship; don’t ignore it because it’ll just stack up
22:33 – Imago Therapy - what it is & how it affects who we choose to marry
24:56 – If our spouse grows, we grow
26:48 – Conflict is growth waiting to happen
29:01 – Don’t ever stop having fun with your partner
31:37 – Empathy is about trying to connect with your partner & find out what they’re feeling
33:26 – Always be willing to learn
35:15 – Sonja’s takeaway: Don’t feel like you're lacking because of your struggles. Don’t struggle
by yourself. Reach out. Don’t go it alone.
35:39 – Clay’s takeaway: Be willing to learn and grow individually and in your relationship36:10 – Liz’s takeaway: Ask your partner if it’s a good time to talk about something and then
start with a compliment
36:50 – Dave’s takeaway: Own your bad - your behavior, your attitude, and your dramaAbout Sonja & Clay Arnold:
Relational coaches for 22 years, Sonja and Clay have worked with individuals, families and couples around the world. Theirs is an integrative, neuroscience-based approach for life planning and inter-personal growth for relationships of all kinds. They offer workshops and consultations with clients including business and religious leaders, coaches and therapists, medical professionals and more - the strategy being that by providing skills to one person, a ripple effect will occur as people practice the skills in their work lives, congregations, families and communities. Sonja and Clay have been married for 43 years and have 4 grown children and 5 grandkids. They live with their grand dogs in Arlington, Texas.Certifications include: Safe Conversations® Senior Trainers, Life Coaching Institute Senior Trainers, Tony Robbins Mastery University graduates, Amen Clinics Brain Health and the Well Life Coaching Certification. Sonja graduated with a degree in Education/Deaf Education and Clay in Communications/Pastoral Counseling.
Insights:
Sonja: Conflict is growth waiting to happen.
Clay: We have to feel safe enough to connect in order to really communicate.
Dave: You don't necessarily avoid conflict but you bring things up and handle them in
compassionate ways. Watch your temper, your tongue, and your tone.
Liz: Some things we experience in marriage are really painful and I wish we could X them out. But perhaps then, we'd missed the magic and the meaning and the growth.Invites:
● Before starting an important conversation with your partner, ask if it’s a good time first. You could say, “is now a good time to talk about [blank]?”. If they say it’s not a good
time, schedule another time in the near future to have that conversation when he or she
is ready.
● Create a code word to use when things start to get negative in a conversation between you and your partner. Clay and Sonja Arnold use the word “marshmallow” to signal when either of them is feeling triggered and something needs to change. Talk with your partner about a phrase that could work for you.● Don’t forget to have fun with your partner. Keep dating them long after you’re married. This nurtures the space between you and creates more enjoyment in your life together.
Sonja & Clay Arnold Links:
https://www.heartlifecoachingdfw.com/
https://safeconversations.com/
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
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Relationship Resilience After Betrayal Trauma | Geoff Steurer | #31
Play EpisodeListen in as Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz invite back to the show Geoff Steurer, specialist on
betrayal trauma, to talk about how couples can bounce back and move forward after trust is broken in the relationship. If you or someone you know is experiencing betrayal trauma, this is an episode you don’t want to miss!Timestamps:
0:00 – Introduction: Who is Dr. Geoff Steurer?
3:00 – What is betrayal trauma?
5:35 – Most people initially stay with their partner after being betrayed
7:49 – Quick trust does not exist, you can’t quickly trust somebody
9:56 – Both the hurt partner and the betrayer are on their own paths of recovery
11:26 – The marriage goes through a recovery process too
13:55 – Tearing yourself down does not help you & it doesn’t help who you’ve hurt
15:58 – Recovery means being willing to talk about the betrayal
17:00 – People can change; there is healing on the other side of betrayal trauma
20:15 – Coming clean versus being found out - how it affects the recovery process
22:13 – There are no quick fixes when it comes to betrayal & emotion & connection
24:50 – Engage in healing; you'll feel better eventually doing the healing work
26:48 – What is the role of parents whose adult child is experiencing betrayal trauma?
29:19 – A message to those who are on the edge of betraying their partner
31:06 – Let’s not be afraid to talk about attraction and chemistry
33:16 – Make sure there's not enough space between you and your partner for someone else
36:21 – Geoff’s takeaway: there's nothing, in terms of your emotions and experiences and feelings and needs, that your marriage can't handle
37:09 – Liz’s takeaway: People have the tools, talents, resources, and abilities to handle
something as excruciatingly painful as betrayal
37:39 – Dave’s takeaway: Be very mindful and intentional in your relationshipInsights:
Dave: When both partners are committed to doing the work, it brings hope into the relationship
Liz: Good people make mistakes, good people betray
Geoff: The structure and institution of marriage is sturdy and stable and it’s big enough to hold all of our fears, worries, insecurities, temptations and struggles
Invites:
● If you find yourself flirting or looking forward to interacting with someone of the
opposite sex, get honest with yourself and your partner about it. Don’t be afraid to talk
about attraction.
● Keep it a little awkward with people you could be attracted to. Keep that distance there and don’t build so much familiarity.
● If someone you love is going through betrayal trauma, get educated and understand the process. Learn how to keep your own emotional balance and know what to say/what not to say. “You don't want to become a piece of debris in somebody else's tornado”.About Geoff Steurer:
Geoff Steurer has a passionate commitment to helping couples rebuild their
relationships from crisis to connection. He specializes in helping couples and individuals
affected by the trauma of sexual betrayal. He understands how exhilarating and stressful
marriage can be and works hard at his own marriage. His goal is to show couples how his work will pay off in their own lives. Steurer specializes in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, treating pornography and sexual addictions, infidelity, men's issues, anxiety, depression, anger management, and family therapy. He is the co-author of "Love You, Hate the Porn", creator of the "Trust Building Bootcamp", host of the podcast, "From Crisis to Connection", and author of a weekly online Q&A column.Geoff Steurer Links:
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
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Tackling Money in Marriage | Taylor & Megan Kovar | #30
Play EpisodeOn today’s episode of the stronger marriage connection, Dave and Liz sit down with
Taylor and Megan Kovar, also known as the money couple, to share the strategies and resources they offer couples in handling money in marriage. Listen in to find out what you can do to avoid financial infidelity and create financial freedom today!Timestamps:
0:00 – Introduction: Who are Taylor & Megan Kovar?
2:15 – How they became “the money couple”
4:55 – The challenge they faced year two of marriage & how they moved forward
6:40 – What are some examples of financial infidelity?
8:21 – How Taylor & Megan describe financial freedom
10:00 – Where should a couple start on their journey toward financial freedom?
12:20 – First step - take the free money personality assessment on their website
14:08 – The five money personalities: how we think & feel about money and life
16:54 – Where do our money personalities come from?
18:24 – What if you & your partner have opposite money personalities?
21:10 – The money personality assessment for kids
23:12 – Why Taylor & Megan don’t pay their children for doing typical chores
25:55 – What are the next steps for a couple struggling with financial infidelity?
27:23 – Get educated! Start at themoneycouple.com
29:46 – Everything ties back to communication
31:39 – Everyday is a choice; wake up and choose to have a stronger marriage
33:35 – Comparison is the thief of joy
35:00 – Megan Kovar’s takeaway: if you want it to get better, it can get better
35:26 – Taylor Kovar’s takeaway: What is your marriage worth? Live by that
36:10 – Liz’s takeaway: Is financial infidelity worth the hurt and loss of intimacy?
37:07 – Dave’s takeaway: Try to understand what money means to your partner; see things from their perspectiveAbout Taylor & Megan Kovar:
The Kovar's have been branded as the Money Couple since 2020 after realizing one of the biggest woes couples were having involved money management. With professional money management skills, the Kovars provide resources on budgeting groceries, birthday parties, all the way to retirement. In the past three years, the Kovars have developed awesome pages and platforms: 5 Money Personalities, Financial Infidelity, The Millionaire Marriage Podcast, The Money Couple blog and many other couples’ courses. Through trial and error, the Kovars have developed the right ways to achieve financial freedom, putting family first and enjoying life.
Insights:
Taylor: It takes work and some education, but I think no matter what your income level, you can achieve some of that peace that comes with financial freedom.
Megan: One of the things you need to know about yourself is your money personality, because you just don't realize how that affects so many different aspects of your personality as a whole.
Dave: Just because we have money differences, doesn't mean that we can't make it work. It's about understanding, having compassion, simple awareness and trying to see things from our partner/spouses perspective.
Liz: Is financial infidelity worth the loss and hurt of intimacy?
Invites:
● Make your finances a priority. Pick a time with your spouse to sit down and discuss your finances. Stick it on the calendar and then stick to it.
● Get educated! Discover your money personality by taking the free assessment and then ask your partner to take it as well. Take another assessment to find out if there's
financial infidelity in your relationship and at what level.● Seek out good mentors, people that are going to speak truth into your life. Don’t just surround yourself with “yes men”. Sometimes we don’t see what we need to work on.
Taylor & Megan Kovar Links:
https://themoneycouple.com/5-money-personalities/
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnABbQSwTxWyKevoRJnOfgg
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
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Becoming A Smart Step Family | Ron Deal | #29
Play EpisodeOn today’s episode of the stronger marriage connection, Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz sit
down with author and expert on blended families, Ron L. Deal, to bring you the leading research, tips and tools about how to create successful step family relationships. If you are navigating remarriage and/or blending a family unit, join the conversation and learn what may help you on your journey!Timestamps:
0:00 - Who is Ron Deal?
2:35 – How common are step families and step relationships in the US today?
4:15 – A new phenomenon: first time married couples forming blended families
6:57 – Unique difficulties that step families often experience
8:44 – When parenting struggles negatively affect the marital relationship
10:07 – The Fear Factor - how it plants seeds of guardedness and negativity
13:04 – Self mastery & controlling our negative emotions
16:55 – What separates unhappy remarriages from happy remarriages?
18:20 – The different ways jealousy comes up in blended families
20:24 – “Choose the pain” to understand what is going on with you
22:02 – Dating is not very predictive of the realities of remarriage & step families
24:01 – What is the focus of Ron Deal’s book Smart Stepfamily Marriage: Keys to Success in Blended Families?
26:00 – Your remarriage is the first and last motivator for your family to become a family
29:14 – Step parents - allow the child to dictate the pace at which they open up you
31:38 – The biggest mistake a parent can make when he or she is dating
33:00 – You can’t become a mature partner, parent or friend without humility
36:31 – Ron Deal’s takeaway: the journey of being a blended family may not be what you expected or hoped, but it is not without promise
38:04 – Liz’s takeaway: persistence! Step families have a higher divorce rate because of the difficulties, so it takes persistence
38:48 – Dave’s takeaway: don’t let parenting struggles become struggles for the couple relationshipAbout Ron Deal:
Ron L. Deal is one of the most widely read and viewed experts on blended families in the country. He is the director of FamilyLife Blended® for FamilyLife®, founder of Smart Stepfamilies™, and the author and consulting editor of the Smart Stepfamily Series of books including the bestselling Building Love Together in Blended Families: The 5 Love Languages® and Becoming Stepfamily Smart (with Dr. Gary Chapman), The Smart Stepfamily: 7 Steps to a Healthy Family, and Preparing to Blend. Ron is a licensed marriage and family therapist, popular
conference speaker, and host of the FamilyLife Blended podcast. He and his wife, Nan, have three sons and live in Little Rock, Arkansas. Learn more at FamilyLife.com/blended.Insights:
Ron: Humble people who can make changes over time will deepen trust and intimacy in their relationship.
Dave: The process of family blending takes patience and time and understanding and love and kindness. Like an extra double dose of all of that.
Liz: All couples have struggles, but remarriages and stepfamilies have some unique struggles and challenges.Invites:
● If you are a dating parent, engage your kids in "what if" conversations. You could ask, “what if dad started dating again?” or “this guy has kids of his own, how would you feel if mom were to date him?”. This will help you make better decisions about when and where to introduce your kids to the person you’re dating.
● Practice chasing the pain, as Ron Deal mentioned. Next time you are triggered by something your partner does, ask yourself “what is this telling me?” or “what is going on inside me and is there a better way for me to handle this feeling than I have in the past?”. Don't let the past invade your present.
● Visit smartstepfamilies.com to discover more resources about step families and remarriage. Then share the website and what you learned with people you know who are in stepfamily relationships and would benefit from Ron Deal’s work.Ron Deal Links:
- https://familylifeblended.com/blended
- https://smartstepfamilies.com
- https://rondeal.org
- https://www.facebook.com/familylifeblended
- https://www.instagram.com/familylifeblended/
- https://www.youtube.com/@FamilyLifeBlended
- https://www.familylife.com/podcast/familylife-blended-podcast/Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
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Embracing Regrets | Dr. Dave & Dr. Liz | #28
Play EpisodeJoin ourn host Dr. Dave Schramm and Dr. Liz Hale as they discuss how to embrace regret and learn from the past.
Timestamps:
0:00 – What is regret?
1:32 – Regret indicating a life well lived
3:59 – How do I cope with regrets?
5:48 – Focusing on the positive instead of the negative
8:00 – Three responses to regret
10:00 – The best way to deal with emotion: Motion
10:47 – Establishing self-compassion
13:00 – Finding the “at least” in life
14:32 – World regret survey: Acknowledging regrets
16:37 – Four core regrets:
17:00 – Foundation regrets
17:55 – Boldness regrets
19:23 – Moral regrets
21:25 – Connection regrets
24:10 – Managing the line between infidelity and friendship with people we are attracted to outside of our marriage.
27:15 – Reimagining regrets in the couple relationship
29:05 – Setting realistic expectations in our relationships
32:24 – Turning regrets into reminders of who we can beInsights:
Do not let regrets bog us down. They can be a reminder into who we are becoming and how we are learning and growing in our relationships. Living a life filled with shame and guilt is not a productive way to live, but by acknowledging and seeking understanding of your regrets you can develop a greater feeling of peace and happiness in your marriage.Invites:
● Sit down with your partner and have a conversation about regrets. See what your
partner regrets and share what you may regret.
● Practice identifying your regrets as a foundation, boldness, moral or connection regret in your journal.
● Visit the world regret survey and see what regrets people in your area are experiencing. Find peace and connection through seeing the regrets that others around you may have. Recognize that you are not alone in your regrets.Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
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Unconditional Love In Marriage | Dr. Greg Baer | #27
Play EpisodeDr. Dave and Dr. Liz Take a deep dive into the topic of unconditional love in marriage with Dr. Greg Baer. Greg shares principles and insights about real love, how it can transform your marriage and parenting. Giving 5 steps to real love.
Timestamps:
0:00 – Who is Dr. Greg Baer?
2:59 – What is unconditional love?
4:40 – Conditional love vs unconditional love
6:49 – The ultimate emotional assault – anger
9:15 – What stops us from making behavioral changes?
11:27 – Five steps to help eliminate anger in your marriage.
15:31 – We need to practice telling the truth about ourselves.
17:30 – We are all starving for unconditional love.
18:49 – When we are in pain, we will use anything to survive.
19:54 – Find the right person to love you.
23:59 – The power of unconditional love in parenting.
25:20 – Expectations in your marriage
29:49 – The pain of not feeling loved
35:48 – Key element of a stronger marriage
37:41 – TakeawaysAbout Greg Baer:
For 20 years, Greg Baer was a successful surgeon, teacher, civic leader, and entrepreneur. Despite all these things, Greg didn’t feel happy. In his search for happiness, he learned principles that has changed the lives of thousands. Dr. Baer retired from one of the busiest solo eye surgery practices in the U.S. and began a new career of writing, teaching, and speaking. He has written 18 books about relationships, marriage and parenting and produced all kinds of other trainings.
Insights:
Dr. Greg Baer: Unconditional love, or what I call real love is the key element to a stronger
marriage connection.Dr. Dave: Choose to be a first responder or a nuclear reactor when we feel stress within our relationships.
Dr. Liz: It’s all about pain, pain makes us insane, it makes us do things we wouldn’t normally do
when we are filled with loveInvites:
• Don’t be satisfied with your marriage being just “Okay”
• Go through the five steps of achieving unconditional love
• Practice telling the truth about yourself before expecting the truth from othersGreg Baer Links:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/gregbaermd
Books:
Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love & Fulling Relationships
https://a.co/d/5xokhrqReal Love in Marriage: The Truth About Finding Genuine Happiness Now & Forever
https://a.co/d/66KHqi8Real Love in Parenting: Nine Simple & Powerful Effective Principles for Raising Happy & Responsible Children: https://a.co/d/eStaD2b
Real Love Companion: Taking Steps Toward a Loving & Happy Life
https://a.co/d/jdOJS5EReal Love in Dating: The truth About Finding The Perfect Partner
https://a.co/d/1SNpX7wVisit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
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Tips For A Better Sex Life in Marriage | Dan Purcell | #26
Play EpisodeJoin Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz today in talking about sexual intimacy within your
relationship, where they welcome on special guest Dan Purcell. Dan talks with us about the importance of keeping our relationships close and connected. Sharing some great tips to help couples navigate this important topic and offering some excellent resources for you to learn more.Timestamps:
0:00 – Who is Dan Purcell?
1:45 – How Dan got into strengthening relationships.
6:51 – Discovering healthy sources for sexual intimacy in marriage.
10:31 – we are not without our struggles – we must overcome them.
13:15 – Cosmo Magazine Approach
16:48 – Slow it down – enjoy the journey.
18:40 – There are different levels of sexual intimacy.
20:00 – Share your heart!
22:09 – Try new things.
24:13 – It is ok to schedule sex for busy couples.
27:22 – Don’t have sex feel like a duty.
30:42 – App – Intimately Us.
34:25 – TakeawaysAbout:
Dan and his wife Emily Purcell are the founders of Get Your Marriage On! Their marriage went through a bit of a renaissance a few years ago and wanted to share what they learned with other couples. They created a fun & sexy bedroom game app called Intimately Us that has been downloaded over 300,000 times. They put on events and retreats for couples. Dan is the host of the Get Your Marriage On! podcast. Dan also coaches others on marriage & intimacy.
Dan and Emily have been married for over 19 years and have 6 kids. Dan loves cracking dad jokes, running marathons, planning the next creative date night with his sweetheart, and enjoys the magnificent outdoors around their St George home.
Insights:Dan: Make your spouse number one, investing in our relationships will bring us the biggest return on happiness.
Dave: Taking a deeper approach that is more intimate and can be so powerful, rather than superficial.
Liz: What can I do today to make my spouses life more worth living?
Invites:
• Slow things down – take time to work on intimacy with your significant other, things
wont just come naturally, they will take time and effort.
• Download the app, “Intimately Us” and follow @getyourmarriageon on Instagram.
• Make your spouse your number one, investigate your relationship and find what makes
you both the happiest.Dan Purcell Links:
https://getyourmarriageon.libsyn.com
https://www.instagram.com/getyourmarriageon/?hl=en
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
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Therapy For Relationship Wellness | Dr. Don and Carrie Cole | #25
Play EpisodeJoin the conversation today as Dave and Liz invite doctors Don and Carrie Cole,
founders of the Center for Relationship Wellness, onto the stronger marriage connection
podcast to bring you some amazing tools and strategies for creating more connection in your relationship. Don and Carrie’s work is backed by years of scientific research with John and Julie Gottman, so you won’t want to miss out on today’s episode!The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by Dr. John & Julie Gottman
Timestamps:
0:50 – Who are doctors Don and Carrie Cole?
3:37 – Don and Carrie’s roles at the Gottman Institute
5:03 – Some couples struggle with some problems in their relationship at some point. Why?
6:56 – Marathon therapy; how it works and how it helps
8:54 – How COVID has changed the way therapy is done
10:47 – How Don and Carrie work together with couples
12:51 – Why it’s harder for men to connect with therapists
15:33 – How the Gottman method is validating for men in therapy
16:45 – Stress reducing conversations; an idea born out of research
19:05 – Don & Carrie role play good and bad stress reducing conversations
21:43 – Avoiding the “two don’ts” - don’t problem solve and don’t side with the enemy
24:19 – Creating more rituals of connection
26:10 – Couples are turning away from each other and towards their phones
28:09 – Turning toward moments may be small but they do add up
30:54 – When things aren't feeling right, you have to fix it
32:40 – A gentle startup makes all the difference
35:38 – Couples who are connected to each other have a lot of rituals that they really enjoy doing together
37:56 – Finding out what is at the heart of the issue
39:00 – “You don’t have to change to satisfy me” - honoring your spouse40:00 – Don & Carrie’s takeaway: be openly curious and proactive with your partner
41:17 – Dave & Liz takeaway: doing small things often to keep the connection strongAbout Dr. Don & Carrie Cole:
Dr. Carrie Cole is the Director of Research for The Gottman Institute and manages the
Gottman Love Lab. She holds a Ph.D. in psychological research and a master’s degree in counseling psychology. She is a licensed professional counselor and an approved LPC supervisor in the State of Texas, a licensed mental health counselor in the State of Washington, and a Certified Gottman Therapist. Carrie is a Master Trainer for The Gottman Institute and trains therapists in Gottman Method Couples Therapy around the world. She is a consultant for the certification program and has led The Art and Science of Love weekend workshop for couples multiple times a year since 2008. Carrie has also published peer-reviewed journal articles independently and with doctors John and Julie Gottman. Her work with couples includes couples therapy, workshops, seminars, and intensive marathon sessions. Carrie and her husband, Dr. Don Cole reside in Seattle, WA.Insights:
Don: Things can't just fix themselves. You have to repair things. When things aren't feeling right, you have to fix it.
Carrie: Couples who are connected to each other have a lot of rituals that they really enjoy doing together.
Liz: The beauty of these tools is that they bring us such hope. Across the board. No matter where we are in our marriage.
Dave: Lack of attention leads to loss of connection.Invites:
● Create meaningful rituals of connection. Set a time each day that works for you and your partner where you can talk about how you’re doing as a couple.
● Next time you need to bring up an issue to your partner, use a softened startup. Talk about how you feel, what happened (without using “you”), and state what you need inpositive terms. Write it out if you have to. How a conversation starts is likely how it’s
going to end.
● Have a stress reducing conversation with your partner. If your spouse expresses an emotional experience, try not to problem solve or side with the enemy. Ask good
questions. Show compassion, empathy, and validation.Dr. Don & Carrie Cole Links:
- Centerforrelationshipwellness.com
- carrie@gottman.com
- don@gottman.com
- gottman.comVisit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
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Marriage Happy Hacks | Dr. Dave & Dr. Liz | #24
Play EpisodeOn today’s episode of the stronger marriage connection podcast, Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz
discuss some of the top tips they call “Happy Hacks” that help us flourish as individuals and
bring more happiness into our relationships. Strong marriages are built on the virtues and
character strengths of the spouses, so join the conversation to learn what you can do starting today to better yourself and your relationship!Timestamps:
1:13 – A happy “we” starts with a happy “me”
2:15 – The foundational three: sleep, exercise, and diet
4:42 – Unhappy people are three times more likely to get sick than happy people
6:10 – Stress kills
8:35 – Happy Hack: the power of kindness, compassion, and gratitude - lifeblood of
relationships
10:47 – Simply witnessing kindness improves your mood
12:50 – Vitamin S - social piece that gives us reassurance, connection, and life satisfaction
13:53 – Happy Hack : The 10:5 Rule - smile at 10 feet, say hello at 5 feet
14:34 – Ritual of connection/smile campaign - smile and say hello when you greet your partner
16:51 – Broadcasting - communicating with our facial expression and body language
18:46 – Happy Hack: engaging in that state of flow
20:54 – Happy Hack: mindfulness - paying attention in the present moment without judgment
22:16 – Finding joy in the journey and bringing your best self to each situation
23:04 – Happy Hack: journaling your gratitude
24:22 – #1 predictor of happiness and well-being is the quality of our relationship s
26:41 – Our three needs: safety, satisfaction, and connection
28:38 – Happy Hack: discovering and using our strengths
31:33 – Liz’s takeaway: moving our thoughts so we can move our bodies and our relationships
32:09 – Dave’s takeaway: improving our personal lives and relationships starts with
intentionalityInsights:
Liz: Living amidst conflict hurts our health. Living amidst good, warm, loving relationships is protective.
Dave: If you want to be instantly happy, do something kind. Do something thoughtful, send someone a text, write them a letter, or send them a note. Doing something kind makes you a happier and a positive person and then that spills over into your marriage.Invites:
● Are there areas in your personal life that you can tweak to be healthier physically and mentally? Where can you create an upward spiral toward greater happiness as an
individual and as a couple?
● Do your facial expressions tell your spouse: “I see you. I notice you. I’m glad you’re
there”? If not, make a goal to show in your facial expressions that you appreciate your
partner.
● Practice mindfulness by intentionally choosing to enjoy your day. Be fully present in each moment without judgment.
● Create a gratitude journal for your spouse. When you’re upset with them, practice the “drop and do 10” exercise by writing down 10 reasons why you appreciate your partner.Episode Links:
Signature strengths survey - https://www.viacharacter.org/
Robert Waldinger Harvard study ted talk -https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good_life_lessons_from_the_longest_study_on_happiness?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=ted
comshareVisit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
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Empty Nest Marriage | Richard & Linda Eyre | #23
Play EpisodeOn todays’ episode, Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz welcome Richard and Linda Eyre back on the show to shed some light on grandparenting and how to make your marriage thrive as empty nesters. Richard and Linda share some powerful tips and tools from their online course and community called grandparenting101.com so that you can prepare now for this exciting phase of life!
Timestamps:
0:00 – Introduction: Who are Richard & Linda Eyre?
2:44 – “Gray Divorce” & why the divorce rate has gone down in recent years
4:39 – The dynamics and chemistry of the relationship change when it’s just you two again
6:19 – Creating a new vision statement for your marriage when the kids are gone
7:47 – Being a team as grandparents helps your marriage to thrive
9:28 – The time when the kids are gone may be longer than the time when the kids are there
11:21 – Look forward to empty nesting by planning things to do together; see it as an opportunity to focus on eachother again
13:07 – When couples have joint projects they thrive together
16:50 – Going your separate ways on grandparenting will only create divisions
18:17 – Monthly meeting with your children about how to grandparent their children
20:08 – Using zoom to stay connected & talk about how to support grandchildren
22:03 – Renewing your commitment to each other in this new phase & writing it down
23:13 – What can couples do now to prepare for & strengthen their marriage as empty nesters?
25:32 – Write down things you adore & appreciate about the other person
27:09 – Grandparenting101.com - an online community for grandparents
30:51 – Don’t just be a grandparent, be a grand husband or a grand wife
33:00 – Richard & Linda’s takeaway - live life in the present & remember why you married your spouseAbout Richard & Linda Eyre:
Richard and Linda Eyre are the parents of nine children and are among the most popular speakers in the world on parenting and families. They've presented in more than 45 countries and are New York Times best selling authors of numerous books on parenting couples and families. The Eyres have been frequent guests on national network shows including Oprah, the Today Show, Primetime Live, 60 minutes, Good Morning America, and once did regular segments on the CBS Early Show. Their parenting website valuesparenting.com provides ideas,
guidance and creative programs for families throughout the world, including programs on grandparenting and empty nest parenting.Richard & Linda Eyre Links:
- www.valuesparenting.com
- www.grandparenting101.com
- Books: The 8 Myths of Marriage, Being a Proactive Grandfather,
The Happiness Paradox
- Social Media: @richardlindaeyre
- Email: Richardmeyre@gmail.com
Insights:
Richard: How well your marriage is doing in your senior years is directly related to how proactive you are as a grandparent
Linda: Sometimes the things that bother you the most about your spouse are the things that you love the most, if you really stop and think about it.
Liz: If we fail to plan then we plan to fail
Dave: Having both grandparents on board will strengthen their relationshipInvites:
● Start talking about what you want your marriage to look like after the kids are gone. Create a new vision statement and write it down.
● Grandparents - go to dinner with your children, who are parents, and discuss how you four can work together to support their kids. What do they want your help on? What don’t they? Work as a four person team for the benefit of the kids.
● Renew your vows in some way. Recommit to each other in this new stage of life you are in. Write them down and remind yourself of them as you move through this phase of life together.
● Write down things you adore about your partner and your kids. What are you grateful for about them? What do you appreciate them for?Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
-
Emil Harker | How to Turn Conflict into Connection | #22
Play EpisodeListen in as Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz sit down with Emil Harker, a respected therapist and
talented author, to give you some practical tips and tools for turning conflict into connection and closeness. By following a few powerful principles, we all have the ability to use inevitable conflict for good in our relationships.Timestamps:
0:00 – Introduction: Who is Emil Harker?
3:19 – Conflict is inevitable - tips for dealing with it in the moment
5:40 – Handling situations so you feel good and your partner loves you more
7:29 – Assuming good intent - hijacking the limbic system
10:18 – They want to feel good, they want you to feel good, and they’re doing the best they can.
13:34 – Really taking the time to understand your partner’s behavior
15: 38 – Criticisms are a catalyst for conflict
18:02 – Addressing criticisms by agreeing with the element of truth
21:15 – Responding to attacks - criticism, questions, declarations, commands
24:08 – “The Betrayed CEO” - how the fundamental attribution error hurts us
30:23 – Bad things happen, how we handle them will either make or break us
32:48 – Understanding the crap out of your partner - validating their emotional experience
34:41 – Problems aren’t the problem, how we handle the problems are the problem
36:15 – The process creates connection, not the solution
38:20 – The key to a stronger marriage: develop the ability to seek, receive, and respond to feedback
40:37 – Make your marriage a priority
42:56 – Liz’s takeaway: conflict can either be constructive or destructive, it is up to us
43:44 – Dave’s takeaway: Remember who your partner really is - find the message behind the messAbout Emil Harker:
Emil has been doing therapy for almost 20 years. He is passionate about getting through the fluffy stuff to the real nuts and bolts that help people turn inevitable conflict into closeness. He has been on Channel 2 Fresh living program for over 10 years and is a frequent expert guest on podcasts, and radio and tv programs. Emil has worked with NBA, UFC, and NFL athletes. He has his own podcast called The Emil Show and his book “You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness” has been well received by professional therapists and couples alike.Emil Harker Links:
- emilharker@gmail.com
- https://www.emilharker.com
- on social media @emilharker
- podcast: The Emil Show
- books: You Can Turn Conflict Into ClosenessInsights:
Dave: When we view others differently, we start treating them differently. It’s a powerful
paradigm shift.
Liz: My mantra to myself and to my spouse is: “I give you permission to not be perfect and I will still love you”.
Emil: If the process is what we are devoted to, then no matter what issues we have we will never have to compromise on the closeness and companionship of the intimate relationship.Invites:
● Before responding to a critical attack from your partner, try to practice “agreeing with the element of truth” by owning your flaws and acknowledge what is true in that
moment. Although it’s natural, try not to get defensive. This only feeds our insecurities.
● Practice getting feedback from your partner and responding to it in a positive way. You could do this by asking what they might need you to do differently during conflict and
then thanking them for their honesty.
● Make your marriage a priority by focusing on connection rather than the solution during conflict. You could do this by validating your partner’s emotional experience or taking the time to try to understand their behavior before responding to their criticisms.Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
-
Dr. Mark Ogletree | Preparing for Marriage and Surviving the First Year | #21
Play EpisodeJoin in today on the Stronger Marriage podcast as Dave and Liz sit down with Mark Ogletree, a professional marriage and family educator, to guide you through how to not just survive, but thrive in your marriage. Whether you’re a fiance, newlywed, or long-time spouse, these tips apply to all couples and are sure to help you strengthen your relationship.
Timestamps:
0:40 – Introduction: Who is Mark Ogletree?
3:31 – Why would couples who are in love benefit from premarital education?
4:55 – Discovering more about each other through relationship assessments
6:57 – Great conversations to have before marriage
8:26 – The 12 core traits to build a marriage on
10:04 – Topics to discuss when engaged, newlywed, or at least in the first year of marriage
12:16 – It doesn’t matter what they think - It is what’s best for you
14:40 – Expectations - verbalizing and discovering them through relationship assessments
16:43 – #1 core belief that needs alignment in order to build a successful marriage and family
19:21 – Is it normal for engaged couples to get irritated with each other?
22:27 – Research shows that every couple will have about 10 things they just can’t resolve - and
that is okay
23:49 – Red flags that may urge you to hit the brakes
25:51 – Addictions, extreme views, lying, cheating, narcissism
28:00 – How does your partner get along with your family? How do they feel about your
partner?
30:38 – How they treat their mom may reflect how they will treat you one day
32:29 – Negative effects of phones/social media on marriage and family relationships
34:26 – Topics that couples often struggle with in the first year of marriage
35:40 – First year of marriage is an opportunity to decide what kind of team you’ll be
37:52 – Common areas of adjustment for newlyweds
40:40 – Comparison is the thief of joy
42:45 – Principle of reciprocity between couples and in-laws
45:42 – Keeping up the practices that caused you to fall in love - talk and time rituals
48:27 – Mark’s take away - love and affection looks different for everyone
50:15 – Liz’s take away - what is fun for you may not be fun for them
50:40 – Dave’s take away - humility, being open to change, expecting respectAbout Mark Ogletree:
Mark is a professional educator, having taught for over 20 years in the Church’s seminary and institute program. Since 2010, he has worked as a professor in the department of Church History and Doctrine at Brigham Young University. He is also a licensed professional counselor, having worked with individuals, couples, and families for the past 30 years. Mark is the author of books and articles on topics ranging from marriage, family, and contemporary Church history. He has also been a regular presenter at Brigham Young University’s Education Week for the past 20 years. Mark and his wife Janie have been married for 35 years. They are the parents of eight
children, and 22 grandchildren. Mark and Janie love spending time with their children and grandchildren, traveling, and spending time on the lake.Mark Ogletree’s Links:
www.markogletree.comBooks: Babysitters Are Cheaper Than Divorces and So You’re in Love, Now What?
Insights:
Dave: Comparison is the thief of joy
Liz: It is absolutely normal for engaged couples to get irritated with each other
Mark: Anytime a couple can work out conflict, that’s a healthy relationshipInvites:
- Whether you're engaged or newlywed, sit down with your partner and discuss at least three of the topics mentioned by Mark Ogletree. Examples could be finances, intimacy, or in-laws. Having these conversations will ensure that you and your partner are on the same page.
- Alone or with your significant other, take the free RELATE assessment on the Utah
Marriage Commission website to evaluate and gain a better understanding of your
relationship. At the end, choose one meaningful discussion question and have a
conversation about it with your partner.
- Never stop dating your spouse! Write notes, surprise each other, send sweet texts,
compliment and praise one another like you did before you were married. Keep doing
what made you fall in love in the first place.
- Decide with your partner what some good “talk and time together rituals” would work
for you as a couple. Whether it’s going on walks at night just the two of you or havingtime alone in the morning before the kids wake up to plan the day ahead. Make these
rituals an important part of your daily connection.Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
-
Dr. Bill Doherty | Discernment Counseling | #20
Play EpisodeOn today’s episode Dave and Liz invite Dr. Bill Doherty, internationally recognized marriage expert, back to the Stronger Marriage Connection podcast to discuss the power of discernment counseling. Join us to learn how couples facing crisis can avoid divorce and strengthen their marriage by utilizing discernment.
Timestamps:
0:40 – Introduction: Who is Bill Doherty?
3:12 – Why traditional therapy may not work for ambivalent couples
5:04 – Mixed agenda couples
7:05 – Goals of discernment counseling: clarity and confidence
9:50 – Navigating the three paths of discernment counseling
12:37 – Discernment counseling testimonials
14:57 – An assessment of discernment counselors
17:36 – Where should I put my effort in my relationship?
18:59 – Change in the marital relationship
20:07 – The benefit of a “solid self”
21:40 – How often are people thinking about divorce?
24:26 – Co-creating our marriages
25:05 – How to bring up that your marriage is in trouble without condemning your partner?
26:57 – Vulnerability without attack
30:48 – Assessing divorce ambivalence
33:16 – Insights into divorce
34:44 – Where can I go for help with discernment counseling?
36:49 – What to look for in a therapist
38:58 – What should I expect in a therapy session?
40:24 – Divorce can be avoided if approached with humility, commitment, & compassion
40:56 – Divorce ideation is relatively common - it doesn’t mean you’re doomed
42:09 – Accountability & responsibility make a difference in relationships
About Dr. Bull Doherty:Bill Doherty is a Professor in the Department of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota. A long-time marriage and family therapist, he is an expert on challenges couples face in the modern world, on navigating marital crisis and avoiding divorce, and on using family rituals to enhance the quality of family life. His books for the public include The Intentional Family and Take Back Your Marriage. In recent years, Bill has taken this couple's work to the national level via co-founding Braver Angels, an initiative working to decrease the politicalpolarization that is dividing the country. Among his awards is the Lifetime Achievement Award from the American Family Therapy Academy.
Dr. Bill Doherty Links:
https://www.moderncommitment.com
Invites:
● If you are the “leaning in” spouse, bring your best self forward to the crisis by really trying to hear and understand the pain your partner is in. Denial, begging, and/or pleading will not work in discernment counseling. To do this, write down one way you can improve conflict with your partner and provide a plan for change.
● Sit down with your partner this week and determine the state of your relationship. How are things going? Could they be better? How can you strengthen your current connection?
● If you determine you are in need of therapy, choose a therapist or counselor who provides structure and connection and is supportive of marriage and commitment.Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
-
Geoff Steurer | Abuse, Affairs, and Addiction: Can Marriage Survive? | #19
Play EpisodeGeoff Steurer, MS, LMFT joins Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz to discuss betrayal trauma and the three A’s: abuse, affairs and addiction. Geoff shares some great tips to help both partners through the challenges and struggles of the trauma that is often the result.
Timestamps:
0:00 – Introduction: Who is Geoff Steurer?
2:33 – Why Steurer chose to focus on such a specific area
4:44 – When parents can do better, they are the ultimate help for children
6:00 – The three A’s
6:15 – Abuse – what do you say to individuals who deal with this?
7:23 – Power differential within abuse
8:43 – First steps to dealing with abuse
12:58 – Suggestion for those on the outside
17:42 – Affairs – about 20% of men & 13% of women
18:40 – You are not crazy for feeling hurt
20:30 – Understanding both sides of the hurt
22:53 – Recommendations for those on the outside
26:30 – 70-80% of marriages make it through it
28:48 – Addiction – can marriages survive?
29:10 – It is important to be open about it
32:18 – How to respond when being confronted about addiction
34:44 – Resources
35:46 – What creates a stronger marriage
37:58 – TakeawayAbout Geoff Steurer:
Geoff Steurer has a passionate commitment to helping couples rebuild their
relationships from crisis to connection. He specializes in helping couples and individuals
affected by the trauma of sexual betrayal. He understands how exhilarating and stressful
marriage can be and works hard at his own marriage. His goal is to show couples how his work will pay off in their own lives.
Steurer specializes in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, treating pornography and
sexual addictions, infidelity, men's issues, anxiety, depression, anger management, and
family therapy. He is the co-author of "Love You, Hate the Porn", creator of the "Trust
Building Bootcamp", host of the podcast, "From Crisis to Connection", and author of a
weekly online Q&A column.Geoff Steurer Links:
https://www.geoffsteurer.com/
https://www.geoffsteurer.com/podcasthttps://www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT
https://www.instagram.com/geoffsteurer/
Insights:
Dave: Reach out, reach out for help and find someone you trust to speak with.
Liz: Hope. There is so much to be hopeful about. Believe in marriage and look at the other side.
Geoff: Learn to see the other person as someone who is different than you are.
Invites:
- Learn how to stay close to your partner so you can find your way back to each other
when dealing with betrayal and trauma
- Don’t be afraid of the truth, your marriage can handle it
- Recognize that there are a lot of people who struggle with these things, do not feel
ashamed. Get help and know you are not alone.
- Take the 12 week self-guided online course if you have broken someone’s trust.Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
-
Dr. Dave & Dr. Liz | Relationship Resolutions | #18
Play EpisodeOn today’s episode, Dave and Liz discuss some New Year’s resolutions that couples can make to intentionally strengthen their relationships. Whether you want to create more fun and adventure in your marriage or slow down and have more alone time with your partner, listen in for some life-changing tips and tools you can use to improve your marriage in 2023.
Time Stamps:
0:00 – Introduction: Dave & Liz
2:12 – Common New Year's resolutions
4:27 – Improving relationships in the new year
6:41 – Relationship regrets; looking back and moving forward
8:45 – Commitment; removing the threat of divorce
10:57 – Bringing fun and adventure into the ordinary
12:37 – The law of least effort and the law of little things
14:33 – When schedules are off
16:05 – Exercising together as a couple
18:32 – Celebrating small wins and sharing the good news
20:44 – Saying yes more often
22:22 – Small acts of kindness
24:34 – Terms of endearment
26:02 – Conflict management, soft start up, aiming to understand
28:39 – How mantras can change the situation
30:21 – The power of pausing; respond instead of react
32:00 – Using a system to manage finances
34:48 – Having no secrets in your relationship
36:04 – Everyday, every moment is a chance to have a do over
36:20 – Intentionality; expressions of gratitude, compassion, and kindness are the lifeblood of relationships.Insights:
Dave: The big picture for me is that people are more important than problems.
Liz: Regrets are not the end of the world. We don't want to have no regrets, because regrets teach us what we value the most.Invites:
● Liz encourages couples to try to put their arguments to rest or at least come to a truce within an hour and certainly within the day. Do not let things go on past the day - the faster the better.
● Be less reactive and more responsive. Part of that is watching your temper, your tongue, and your tone. Dave encourages that it’s okay to feel intense feelings but don’t follow them as far as to react to them.
● Aim to understand. Even if you don’t agree, try to see the situation from your partner's perspective, creating more compassion. In your mind, try to come up with three reasons why they might be right.
● Even if you disagree with someone, you don't have to confront them. You don't have to bring it up. Relationships can significantly improve if one or both partners would leave some things left unsaid.
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
StrongerMarriage.org
podcast.strongermarriage.org
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelifeDr. Dave Schramm:
https://drdaveschramm.com
https://drdavespeaks.comFacebook:
https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSUFacebook Marriage Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579Facebook Parenting Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642Dr. Liz Hale:
http://www.drlizhale.com/ -
Dr. Wally Goddard | Getting To The Heart of Connection | #17
Play EpisodeDr. Wally Goddard joins Liz & Dave to explore how humility, curiosity, and understanding are at the heart of true human connection. As we refine our own character, we perceive our partner with new eyes and experience true joy in our relationship. Listen in to understand how irritation can be an invitation.
Time stamps:
0:00 – Introduction: Who is Dr. Wally Goddard?
1:14 – Welcome
2:22 – Tell us about your book “Discoveries”
3:25 – What do you love about helping people flourish?
4:24 – The paradox of self-love
7:40 – Skills vs. heart in relationships
9:21 – Irritation is an invitation
11:17 – Looking inward
11:53 – Get curious
12:10 – Why is asking your partner to change ineffective?
13:49 – Focus on the eighty percent
19:05– The design of life is growth
20:01 – The value of understanding
22:10 – Get peaceful
25:10 – Humility and Heart
26:25 – Deep curiosity
28:15 – What is the key to a stronger marriage connection?
31:00 – Self-awareness & compassion
32:22 – Where can I find Wally?
33:24 – Wally’s Takeaway
34:02 – Liz’s Takeaway
34:22 – Dave’s Takeaway
35:19 – Be a healer
36:28 – ThanksAbout Dr. Wally Goddard:
After receiving a PhD in Family and Human Development from
Utah State University, Wally was a Professor at Auburn University and later at the University of Arkansas. He created many award-winning programs on personal well-being, marriage, and parenting.Wally created and hosted Guiding Children Successfully, a television series for PBS. He has written, edited, or co-authored several books including Discoveries, Between Parent and Child, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, The Soft-Spoken Parent, and Finding Joy in Family Life. In 2010, he won the national award for Outstanding Family Life Educator.
Wally and Nancy have three children and 14 grandchildren.
Links:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dr-wally-a-fresh-view-on-gospel-living/id1543963177
https://latterdaysaintmag.com/author/wallace-goddard/
Insights:
Dave: We need to be healers not preachers.
Liz: Focus on the eighty percent with Heart
Wally: The willingness to see goodness in your partner gets you more goodness.
Invites:
- Get curious. Ask your partner in humility why they do something differently. Listen
sincerely and without judgement. - Make a list of 50 different qualities you appreciate in your partner.
- Decide to stop criticizing a specific behavior, quality, or attribute of your partner.
Choose to accept them as they are right now, instead of trying to change them.
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
StrongerMarriage.org
podcast.strongermarriage.org
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelifeDr. Dave Schramm:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
- Get curious. Ask your partner in humility why they do something differently. Listen
-
Dr. Les Parrott | Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts | #16
Play EpisodeWhat are the most important things couples need to know before they get married? Dave and Liz discuss with Dr. Les Parrott advice for newlyweds, engaged couples or married people based off of years of research and working with couples.
Time Stamps:
0:00 – Introduction: Who is Les Parrott?
1:00 – Les Parrot’s book: “Saving your Marriage Before it Starts.”
5:40 – SYMBIS assessment
6:40 – Lowering the divorce rate
8:32 – PREPARE/ENRICH assessment
11:29 – The unspoken “rules” in marriage
14:20 – The Relationship Laboratory
15:08 – Should my spouse make me whole?
18:00 – Developing the habit of happiness
19:30 – How do I adjust to things beyond my control?
27:05 – How do gender differences affect relationships?
32:08 – Mastering conflict and fighting fair
36:30 – CORE: cooperation, ownership, respecting and empathy
38:17 – Honeymoon habits
40:47 – Les Parrot’s resources
44:10 – Empathy as the single most important relationship skillsAbout Les Parrott:
Dr Les Parrott is a clinical psychologist and professor of psychology at Northwest University. He and his wife, Leslie – a marriage and family therapist – are founders of the Center for Healthy Relationships on the campus of Olivet University.
Married in 1984, the Parrott’s speak together in a wide array of venues, from churches to
Fortune 500 company board rooms. The Governor of Oklahoma even appointed the Parrott’s as the first ever statewide Marriage Ambassadors.
The Parrott’s have been featured in USA Today and the New York Times. Their television
appearances include CNN, The View, The O’Reilly Factor, The Today Show and Oprah.Les Parrott Links:
Insights:
The power of marriage is shown through the dual cooperation, ownership, respect and
empathy for the marriage. Each partner must put in the work to grow with the other and
develop themselves along the way. Doing this can be difficult, therefore, it is imperative to seek out help from researched and valued resources available.Invites:
- Submit a list of six questions that you would like to answer on Loveology.com.
2. Read the Parrott’s book and develop three things you can your partner can do to help
your marriage continue to thrive.
3. Write down one thing about conflict with your partner that you want to improve
because you feel it is unfair for your partner. Make a plan of how to master it and
implement it in your next conflict
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
StrongerMarriage.org
podcast.strongermarriage.org
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelifeDr. Dave Schramm:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
- Submit a list of six questions that you would like to answer on Loveology.com.
-
Richard and Linda Eyre | Countering Marriage Myths | #15
Play EpisodeIn today’s episode, Richard and Linda Eyre discuss their latest book, The 8 Myths of Marriaging; enlightening relationship truths that dispelling common myths that can harm marital connection. Join the conversation and see how you can strengthen your marital connection by dismissing these myths.
0:00 – Introduction: Who is Richard & Linda Eyre?
2:20 – Richard and Linda’s first marital book: The 8 Myths of Marriaging.
3:00 – What is Marriaging?
4:05 – Making marriage a verb and replacing myths with truth
5:10 – Myth #1: The clone myth
7:59 – How are we resolving conflict in our relationship?
9:50 – Myth #2: No waves myth
10:55 – Unexpressed feelings never die: the importance of discussing conflict with your partner
11:40 – Marriage advice revisited
14:12 – Weekly marriage meetings
16:49 – Myth #3: The independence myth
17:45 – Interdependence vs. Codependence
19:20 – What is the basic unit of society?
20:58 – Myth #4: The equality myth
23:20 – Developing relational “oneness”
24:44 – Myth #5: The achievement myth
27:20 – What is our relationship goal?
28:02 – What is the secret to a stronger marriage connection?
29:35 – The power of commitment in marriage
32:35 – Whose happiness do you have more control over in marriage?
33:08 – InsightsAbout Richard & Linda:
Richard and Linda Eyre are the parents of nine children and are among the most popular
speakers in the world on parenting and families. They have presented in more than 45 countries and are New York Times best-selling authors of numerous books on parenting, couples, and families. They have been frequent guests on national network shows such as Oprah, The Today Show, Prime Time Live, 60 Minuets, Good Morning America and more. Their parenting website, valuesparenting.com, provides ideas, guidance, and creative programs for families throughout the world.Richard and Linda Links:
https://valuesparenting.com
https://valuesparenting.com/grandparenting101/
The 8 Myths of Marriaging book linkInsights:
Dave: Give more and do not keep score within your relationship.
Liz: We are powerful, we have the power to hurt or to help our partners.
Richard: Commitment, make it total, make it eternal.
Linda: Love it, feel the joy of your relationship. Remember that you’re having fun and it is a joyful experience to be committed to someone.Invites:
1. Plan a weekly marriage meeting with your partner. Text them right now to plan a time
you can both sit down each week and connect on what needs improvement.
2. Read the 8 Myths of Marriaging book to find out the other three myths of marriaging and how you can safeguard your relationship.
3. Take time out for your relationship and enroll in Richard and Linda’s course for
parenting and marriaging.Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
StrongerMarriage.org
podcast.strongermarriage.org
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelifeDr. Dave Schramm:
https://drdaveschramm.com
https://drdavespeaks.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642Dr. Liz Hale:
http://www.drlizhale.com/ -
Dr. Jill Manning | Navigating The Holidays After Betrayal | #14
Play EpisodeBetrayal during the holiday season can cause feelings of joy and celebration to turn sour. However, there is hope. Dr. Jill Manning joins Liz to share her expertise in navigating the holidays after betrayal. Get cozy and tune in for a recipe for holiday healing.
Time stamps:
0:00 – Introduction: Who is Dr. Jill Manning?
1:25 – Welcome Dr. Jill Manning.
1:50 – Managing the Holidays after betrayal.
3:58 – What are the types of loss and betrayal?
5:50 – Why is betrayal so devastating?
7:46 – The First Step to Healing.
11:45 – Let Feelings Flow.
13:39 – Physiological Responses to betrayal.
14:31 – No feelings at all?
15:17 – Simplify and Slow Down.
16:29 – An invitation.
17:00 – A journal.
17:39 – A batch of honesty.
18:20 – A recipe for holiday healing.
18:53 – Deep honesty is sacred ground.
19:40 – How do I honor self-care?
22:52 – Dr. Jill’s self-care.
23:59 – Deepening the meaning of holidays.
26:53 – Integrating healing in holidays
29:05 – Who should we reveal our pain too?
30:15 – Advice for allies.
32:18 – Dr. Jill’s TakeawayAbout Dr. Jill Manning:
Dr. Jill Manning is a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in working with individuals who have been sexually betrayed through infidelity or compulsive sexual behavior. For over two decades, her work has been featured in numerous peer-reviewed research journals, television programs, documentaries, radio shows, podcasts, and magazine articles, including The Oprah Magazine. While serving as a Social Science Fellow at the Heritage Foundation in Washington, D.C., she was invited to testify as an expert before a US Senate sub-committee about the harms of pornography on the family. She is the author of “What’s the Big Deal about Pornography: A Guide for the Internet Generation” and has spoken out on the harms of pornography on college campuses around the country, including Princeton, Yale, Harvard, and Notre Dame. She currently serves on the Board of Directors for The Institute for Mental Health Professional Standards based in Denver. A native of Calgary, Alberta, Canada, she
currently lives in Colorado with her husband and two daughters.Links:
@drjillmanning
To increase access to betrayal-trauma-specific resources, Dr. Manning produces digital downloads that allow therapists, coaches, and individuals all over the world to integrate high-quality and affordable digital resources into their professional work with betrayed clients or their own self-care efforts. Dr. Manning provided us with some of these pdfs but asked that we refer our guests to her site at the link
below:Digital downloads, including several free printables, may be found at:
https://drjillmanning.com/digital-downloads/Insights:
Dr. Jill Manning: There is hope after betrayal.
Invites:
- Think of one holiday tradition or practice that brings you meaning and helps you feel connected and choose two holiday traditions to let go of for the time while you are healing.
- Start small and customize your self-care by body mapping. Visualize your body head to toe, and ask yourself how is stress manifesting itself in your body? Go through the list and develop a self-care task to address each stress reaction.
- Download the CALM app and try one guided meditation.
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelifeDr. Dave Schramm:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
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Dr. Cameron Staley | A New Perspective on Pornography | #13
Play EpisodeIn today’s episode, Dr. Staley discusses how to develop purpose in life during and after compulsive sexual behavior usage, AKA pornography. Join us today as we discuss strategies of hope in recovery for spouses, parents and viewers of pornography,
*Trigger warning* Today’s episode dives into a discussion about the harmful effects of pornography on oneself and the marriage connection. We recognize this topic is sensitive for many and can be triggering for some. We also recognize that professional scholars have differing perspectives when it comes to pornography, or even using the term addiction. Our interview with Dr. Staley is one perspective on pornography and we hope today’s episode will provide you with helpful insights on this issue.
Time Stamps:
0:00 –Introduction: Who is Cameron Staley
2:19 –Pornography Addiction: Altering our terminology
4:40 –Finding true connection
6:25 –Are women responsible for managing men’s sexual behavior?
8:45 –Using more appropriate terminology: “Compulsive sexual behavior”
9:30 –Short-term satisfaction vs long-term emotional intelligence with pornography and masturbation
10:52 –The river analogy: kids and pornography
13:16 –Can we control our urge to view pornography?
15:00 –Emotions associated with pornography
17:10 –Managing emotional stress in relationships where one is viewing pornography
19:13 –Focusing on what part of yourself you want to grow
20:47 –Profiles of porn viewers: Are the stereotypes correct?
22:40 –An alternative to shaming your partner who’s struggling with porn
24:48 –At what age does porn viewing typically start?
26:36 –Compulsive sexual behavior as a coping mechanism for underlying mental health concerns, including trauma.
29:00 –Staying aware of your children’s struggles and building a precedent of communication
30:20 –Are phone filters an excuse to avoid having conversations with our kids?
32:33 –How should we react when our kids tell us they saw porn?
33:34 –ACT: Acceptance Commitment Therapy
35:50 –Additional resources: Life After Porn app, The Happiness Trap book, Life After Pornography program, therapy with Dr. Staley
39:05 –Acceptance and Commitment practices
41:26 –Developing a life with meaning and purpose
42:30 –Commitment –behavior in line with values
43:55 –The things that matter most are just on the other side of discomfort
45:40 –Hope and healing is available
46:10 –Feel it but don’t follow it –intentionally choosing to not follow the urge
46:44 –Where to find Dr. Staley and his resourcesAbout Cameron Staley:
Dr. Cameron Staley is a clinical psychologist who is passionate about helping individuals improve their mental and sexual health. In his TEDX talk, Changing the Narrative Around the Addiction Story, Cameron shares details from his research and counseling experience regarding helpful ways to talk about sexuality and how to effectively reduce unwanted pornography viewing through Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). To make these principles more accessible to those who are struggling with pornography, he developed the Life After Pornography online program and the Life After Pornography Coach app. Cameron also provides online counseling services to residents of Utah and Idaho and coaching services for individuals seeking additional support in applying the mental and sexual health principles found in the Life After Series programs.
Links:
https://www.instagram.com/thelifeafterseries/
https://www.facebook.com/Dr.CameronStaley
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-life-after-series-podcast/id1499393371
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNGg5SMcyhI
Life After Pornography App: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.getyourmarriageon.lap&hl=en_US&gl=US&pli=1
Insights:
Dave: Feel it but don’t follow it –intentionally choosing to not follow the urge. Dave illustrates that pornography users have the ability to overcome the urge and empower themselves to fight harmful behaviors.
Liz: Though compulsive sexual behavior is so prevalent hope for healing is still available.
Cameron: The things that matter most are just on the other side of discomfort. Putting forth the effort to be uncomfortable and progress will lead to a world of happiness.
Invites:
1. For Parents: Open the lines of communication with your children. When you witness pornography in your home open up a conversation with your children immediately about what they say, how it made them feel, and why the producers of that content decided to use that marketing strategy.
2. If you haven’t talked to your partner about pornography, find a time to do so. Sit down and ask about their experience with pornography and how it has affected their lives. Discuss your own experience with pornography.
3. If you are seeking recovery and hope, download the Life After Pornography app or find counseling with Dr. Staley or a professional near you. Hope is available through intentionality, take the time to be intentional by seeking long-term emotional intelligence over short-term satisfaction.
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
TikTok: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale: http://www.drlizhale.com/
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Dr. Dave & Dr. Liz - What Happened To Our Connection | #12
Play EpisodePeople are more important than problems. In this week’s episode, Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz dive into the deep end of the relationship pool. Using the metaphor of a swimming pool, they discuss the importance of maintenance and consistently adding cups of connection. They share 8“D’s of Disconnection”-how to become more aware of these threats to couple connection and how to tackle them with intentionality.
0:00 – Introduction
1:15 – Today we will talk about things that can often disconnect us as couples
2:53 – We aren’t perfect and are still working on this
4:15 – What Dave would share with teens
5:30 – Relationship pool of connection –swimming pool metaphor
6:30 – Cups of connection
7:45 – All pools need maintenance
8:36 – Keep the intentionality in your connection
11:27 – The 8D’s of Disconnection
11:54 – 1. Drifting
13:24 – 2. Darts and daggers
15:48 – 3. Disruptions
17:58 – 4. Distance –emotional and physical
20:14 – 5. Destructive decisions –decisions without discussion
22:49 – 6. Disagreement and defensiveness –think about the patterns
25:42 – 7. Daily hassles–the messiness of life
27:00 – Hit delete-people over problems
27:13 – 8. Last D –digital distractions
31:20 – Takeaways
Insights:
Dave: Remember to be more intentional, think about those things you need to work on and be mindfully aware. Don’t go automatic, be aware of the things that are taking away from your connection.Liz: Put people over your problems, remember what is important.
Invites:- Talk with your partner about your current relationship pool, what needs maintenance? How can you add more cups of connection?
- Go over each “D of Disconnection” and discuss where you need work and make note of the places you are doing well.
- Be mindful in the things you are doing as a couple, stay intentional and remember to put people over the problem.Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
StrongerMarriage.org
podcast.strongermarriage.org
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelifeDr. Dave Schramm:
https://drdaveschramm.com
https://drdavespeaks.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale: http://www.drlizhale.com/ -
Casey & Meygan Caston - A Better You for a Better Marriage | #11
Play EpisodeCouple named least likely to succeed in marriage, Casey & Meygan share their success story with Dave and Liz on this week’s episode of Strong Marriage Connection. Tune in to hear more about Marriage365,COVID’s impacts on marriage, and practical things you can do to improve your marriage. If you want to make a better marriage, make a better you.
0:00 – If you want to make a better marriage, make a better you.
0:40 -- Introduction: Who are Casey & Meygan Caston?
1:44 – Warm Welcome to Casey & Meygan Caston
3:12 – What if I can’t afford marital therapy?
6:10 – Living with Divorce.
6:54 -- Least likely married couple to succeed: Finding hope.
8:45 – Fight for your marriage: Make a better you.
11:30 – Personal growth & healthy boundaries.
13:02 – No quick fixes in marriage.
13:30 – What to look for in a good therapist?
15:20 – W. A. I. T.
17:37 – Build intimacy: Date night questions.
20:39 – Quality time& connection.
21:30 – Sixtysecond blessing.
24:20 – Sixty second blessing with kids.
25:18 – Celebrity marriages: Patrick Dempsey.
27:00 – Winners build strong marriages.
27:50 – Couple monthly check-ins.
30:35 – COVID’s impact on marriage.
32:55 – Healthy separation.
33:28 – Fights about COVID.
34:27 – Hope for the future.
35:00 – Unity begins in the family.
37:00 – Casey’s vision for the future.
38:25 – Marriage365app.
39:00 – Do something for your marriage.
38:28 – Healthy people make healthy marriages.
40:12 – Advice for singles.42:30 –Date well, marry well.
43:16 – Be teachable.
44:40 – Vulnerability matters.
45:30 – Advice for divorcees.
46:40 – Confidence is about trusting yourself.
47:00 – Healthy boundaries.
47:35 – Be sure to heal& forgive.
48:56 – Where can I find Casey & Meygan.
49:27 – Takeaways
50:04 – Meygan’s Takeaway: Progress
51:11 – Casey’s Takeaway: Reflection
52:30 – Liz’s Takeaway: Just One.
53:03 – Dave’s Takeaway: Intentionality
53:45 – Thank you!
54:30 –Connect with Casey & MeyganAbout Casey & Meygan:
Casey and Meygan Castonwere the couple least likely to succeed in their marriage. After meeting in college, they fell in love fast and then said I do. But after only three years, they were headed straight for divorce. Their relationship had fallen apart. Communication was lost.Sex was non-existent. Their finances crumbled in the midst of the chaos and the worst part? They placed blame on each other for their bad marriage. But one thing they did agree on, they both didn't want to become another American divorce statistic.
The Castons began searching for ways to do marriage right. They surrounded themselves with healthy couples, experts, books, and got therapy to make a relational transformation. But they admit that it was a long and really difficult process to find resources that were affordable and convenient, so they decided to do something about it and founded Marriage365.
Visit Marriage365 to learn more about their membership program and newly released marriage app!
Links:
https://marriage365.com/
Happily Ever After pre-marital program
Marriage365 membership program
Marraige365 appInsights:
Dave: Intentionally make time to connect. Plan Ahead!
Liz: It just takes one. One person can change the dance in marriage.
Meygan: There is always room for improvement, but that does mean perfection. Progress is better than nothing. Find just one thing you can do to improve.
Casey: Be brave and spend time in reflection and ask: how is it working out?
Invites:
- Implement the Sixty Second Blessing for 7 days with your spouse.
- Spend time in reflection: Ask yourself “how’s it working out?” and write down your answer.
- Take the first step to improve your marriage by visiting with a therapist.Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:
Facebook :https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale: http://www.drlizhale.com/
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John Howard - Connection First | #10
Play EpisodeIn this week’s episode, our expert guest, John Howard, talks about his book, More Than Words: The Science of Deepening Love and Connection in Any Relationship, and shares what neuroscience is teaching us about emphasizing connection over communication. With tips for parents and couples, John’s insights help the listener refocus on connection for the benefit of ourselves, our marriages, families, and society. Join us for the conversation and learn how to create a deeper connection in your marriage today.
0:00 – Introduction: Who is John Howard?
2:37 – Brain science in couple’s therapy
3:37 – Communication is out and connection is in
6:12 – Connecting through vulnerability: Why won’t he talk to me?
8:08 – Connection Hacks AKA the language of the nervous system
9:30 – Our non-verbal communication speaks louder than words
9:55 – When NOT to have sensitive conversations?
11:35 – Moving beyond “I” statements to “we” statements
14:30 – Skills matter more than compatibility
17:55 – Simple strategies to connect with your partner
19:45 – Altering verbal communication into nonverbal connection
22:33 – Getting on the same level with my children
24:00 – Connect, direct, and then correct
24:45 – Bridging marital blind spots with my partner
25:54 – Having the humility to constantly be learning
27:20 – The personal strength that comes from healthily digesting feedback
29:33 – Is bad intent inherent in bad behavior?
32:45 – Seeing the world through your partner’s eyes: Merging societal polarization
35:34 – Introduction to John’s book More than Words.
39:29 – Refocusing your attention towards building connection
41:20 – Refrain from assigning intent to your partner
42:16 – How accepting diverse influences in life will benefit our connection
43:31 – The key to a stronger marriage connectionAbout:
John is a Cuban-American who grew up in New York City speaking Spanish. He didn't live with his parents as a kid and eventually left home at 15. After years of traveling and studying native traditions, John discovered the science of relationships as a powerful way to heal his own attachment wounds. He has taught the neuroscience of couples therapy at leading conferences, has trained thousands of therapists, and led a relationship wellness program for Google, Inc. He is the Founder of the Ready Set Love® line of courses for couples, the Founder of Presence Wellness, and teaches at the Dell Medical School in Austin, TX. In 2022, John released his book, More than Words that is high grossing on BookTok and expands on the principles John has taught in his lectures and in therapy for the entirety of his career.
Links:
getmorethanwords.com – Order John’s book here to receive bonus content (free chapter on attachment) and connect with John personally.John Howard’s Podcast about his book More than Words
Insights:
John reminds us to be intentional with our attention –putting away our devices and distractions and really focusing on our partners. He indicates that one of the best ways to do this is by “stepping in the shoes” of our partner and practicing humility. Byrefraining from making assumptions about our partner, John illustrates that couples will grow stronger bonds that are focused on simple forms of connection and affirmations that will make all the difference to one’s relational satisfaction.
Invites:
• Practice nonverbal, primitive connection with your partner
o Sit with your partner and take turns holding each other in your lap without talking for 2 minutes.
o Sit across from each other and look into each other’s eyes without speaking
• Merge your marriage by taking the RELATE assessment with your partner. Have a discussion together after taking the assessment and learn how “to see it from your partner’s point of view.” Though how you view things, or do things, may be different, practice validating your partner’s point of view and discover a new way you can develop your relationship going forward.
• Practice skills-based connection
o Discuss with your partner what you view as “bad behavior” and why. Establish ways you can remedy this kind of behavior together.
o Write in a journal entry what makes you compatible with your partner. What do you love about them? Also, highlight your differences. List five ways you can connect with your partner that illustrate your differences and will help you grow together.
o Have a conversation with your partner about how to approach challenges in your relationship with greater intentionality and commitment. Develop strategies that will lead to conflict resolution and connection. For lots of great conflict resolution strategies and tools, take the ePREP course offered free to Utah residents by the Utah Marriage Commission or visit UMC’s Tiktok for quick conflict resolution tips.Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
https://podcast.strongermarriage.org
Facebook: https://facebook.com/StrongerMarriage
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. LizHale: http://www.drlizhale.com/
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Dr. Dave & Dr. Liz - Celebrating Anniversaries | #9
Play EpisodeWhat can I do today to make my partner’s life more worth living? In this week’s episode, Dave and Liz discuss the importance of celebrating anniversaries in our relationships. Marital drift happens to the best of us. Liz shares these 4 tips; be authentic, attentive, appreciative and affectionate for improving your connection and making anniversaries more meaningful.
0:00 – What can I do today to make my spouse’s life more worth living?
0:16 – The importance of celebrating anniversaries in your relationship
1:08 – UMC has just celebrated our 24-year anniversary
2:54 – Every day we get a chance at a due over
6:37 – There is so much of the picture behind closed doors
7:50 – What is grey divorce?
9:22 – Re-invent yourself after the kids leave
10:42 – Finding love again
12:01 – It’s a great time for reflection and renewal
14:47 – Involve your children
16:25 – We are modeling and teaching kids all the time
17:31 – The value of pre-marital couple counseling
18:26 – Sometimes we get a little too confident
18:50 – Take E-prep and RELATE questionnaire
19:40 – Be authentic
20:49 – Be attentive
22:21 – Be appreciative
24:48 – Be affectionate
26:15 – TakeawaysInsights:
Dave: It’s important for couples to come up with their own rituals or celebrations to create ways to connect.
Liz: I am grateful that my parents stayed married. They could have easily divorced but I am grateful they didn’t, they showed me what it takes.
Invites:
• Couple's conversation: Discuss the anniversaries that are important in your relationship and how you can be more intentional about how you celebrate them.
• Be authentic –Refrain from comparing your marriage to another. Celebrate what makes your marriage unique and then “vow to keep the vision alive.”
• Be attentive –Explore the following questions with your partner: “What was the best part of last year?” “What can we improve from the past year?” “What do you hope to see me do different in this next year?”
• Be appreciative –Create a couples’ gratitude journal. Take turns writing something you appreciate about your spouse and leave it out for them to read.
• Be affectionate –Talk with your partner about ways they would like you to express affection. What will you do to improve those areas?Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
strongermarriage.org
https://podcast.strongermarriage.org
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:
https://drdaveschramm.com
https://drdavespeaks.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale: http://www.drlizhale.com/
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Jeff Forte - Turning a Difficult Marriage Around | #8
Play EpisodeGiving hope to struggling couples, Jeff Forte joins Dave & Liz to share how it is possible for anyone to develop an extraordinary marriage. John shares his own challenges with divorce and death and describes how couples can restore connection with presence.
0:00 – It’s possible for anyone to change, if you know how.
0:38 – Introduction: Who is Jeff Forte?
1:34 – Welcome.
2:20 – Home stability matters for teenagers.
3:57 – Relationship is the foundation.
4:13 – We tend to imitate our parent’s relationship.
5:29 – John’s feelings on divorce.
6:12 – John’s first experience with marital therapy: A launchpad for change.
7:14 – We never stop learning.
7:23 – Jeff, what did you learn from widowhood?
9:43 – Create a vision for marriage.
11:30 – Connection
11:47 – What is “The 90 Minute Marriage Miracle” about?
12:48 – One person can transform a marriage.
13:32 – Focusing on what can change.
13:48 – An extraordinary marriage is possible.
15:04 – Stop doing some things and start doing others.
15:31 – What is benign neglect?
16:47 – The effect of stress: What about COVID?
18:42 – How do marriages get off track?
20:05 – Communication is a symptom.
20:52 – Presence: Restoring connections.
22:17 – Lack of attention leads to loss of connection.
22:46 – Jeff, what causes divorce?
23:47 – Fruits and roots of relationship.
24:37 – Where can I find Jeff Forte?
25:15 – Takeaways.About:
Jeff Forte is the author of the breakthrough international book, The 90-Minute Miracle(translated into 4 languages). He is also the creator of The Rising Love Marriage Repair Process™, a proven, time-tested system that has helped over a thousand of couples fix their marriages for good. Jeff’s process works even when traditional couples counseling fails and divorce seems the only option. Jeff is considered a leading expert in divorce prevention and marriage turn-around and holds certifications in Strategic Intervention and Marriage Education and has 25 years of conflict resolution experience. He is a trusted advisor to Emmy Award winners, professional athletes, Fortune 500 executives, psychologists, business professionals, attorneys, surgeons, and some of the most high-profile couples around the world.
Links:
https://90minutemarriagemiracle.com/
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
StrongerMarriage.org
podcast.strongermarriage.org
Facebook: StrongerMarriage.org
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale: http://www.drlizhale.com/
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Brandon McDaniel - Tech Effects on Connection - Put The Phone Down | #7
Play EpisodeIn this episode, Dave and his guest, Brandon McDaniel, PhD, Senior Research Scientist at Parkview Mirro Center for Research and Innovation, discuss the effects of technology usage on our relationships. While Brandon emphasizes that “not all technology is bad” he shares how “technoference” (a term he coined) can lead to disconnecting from those we love. More importantly, he gives tips for managing our own tech habits and having potentially difficult conversations with our partners around this sometimes touchy topic.
0:00 – Introduction: Who is Brandon McDaniel?
1:05 – What is “technoference”?
2:50 – What to do when technology disconnects us.
3:50 – Does relationship satisfaction depend on how much technology is used on a partnership?
5:50 – Technoference: connections and conflict
8:30 – Is technology affecting my relationship with my partner?
10:30 – Why it’s important to communicate technology use expectations with your partner.
11:40 – Addiction vs attention in technology use.
13:40 – How big of an issue is technoference?
14:45 – The power of intentionality.
15:27 – How to manage technology in the bedroom.
19:00 – Couple conversation: What does ideal couple time looklike and how to approach that conversation?
24:30 – Technoference at mealtime.
25:30 – When is technology use valuable?
29:15 – Managing technology and teenagers.
31:00 – How are influencers influencing you?
34:25 – Tips on managing media consumption.About:
Brandon T. McDaniel is a family scientist (PhD in Human Development and Family Studies, Pennsylvania State University), Senior Research Scientist at the Parkview Mirro Center for Research and Innovation, adjunct Clinical Assistant Professor of Pediatrics at Indiana University School of Medicine Fort Wayne, and nationally recognized expert on the impacts of technology use on relationships, families, and children. Dr. McDaniel’s research on technoference –the interference of device use in our face-to-face interactions and family relationships—has attracted international attention. He has been awarded grants from the National Institutes of Health (NIH) and is actively pursuing research into parent device use and developing educational programming for parents of infants centered around developing healthy digital habits. He also regularly engages in community education in the promotion of healthy digital habits.
Links:
Brandon McDaniel: http://www.btmcdaniel.com
Free Technoference eBook: https://www.drdaveschramm.com/techno-ference-ebook
“Raise” parenting app: https://www.joinraise.com
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
StrongerMarriage.org
podcast.strongermarriage.org
Facebook: facebook.com/strongermarriage
Instagram: @strongermarriagelife
Dr. Dave Schramm:
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
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Jill Anderson - Am I in an Abusive Relationship? | #6
Play EpisodeOctober is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. In this week’s episode, Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz are joined by Jill Anderson, CEO of CAPSA (Citizens Against Physical & Sexual Assault) who discusses how to recognize signs of abuse and shares resources available to those experiencing domestic violence. We encourage those who recognize unhealthy patterns of behavior to seek help from qualified professionals. To survivors we say, “We believe you and there is hope."
[Time markers]
0:00 – Introduction: Who is Jill Anderson?
3:00 – What is Domestic Violence?
3:33 – How does the power and control wheel affect relationships.
4:45 – What is Gaslighting?
8:35 – Tips for early relationships: Communication, boundaries, and power structure.
11:20 – What resources are available to those experiencing DV?
15:56 – Domestic violence survivor success stories.
21:00 – How common is domestic violence?
24:01 – Lethality assessment: How law enforcement and other community programs are improving their response to DV.
25:38 – What can witnesses do to help those experiencing domestic violence?
26:50 – Signs of the power and control wheel in a relationship.
28:48 – When should I reach out for help if I am experiencing, or witnessing, domestic violence?About:
Jill Anderson is the CEO of CAPSA, a nonprofit organization providing services to and empowering individuals and families impacted by domestic violence and sexual assault. Jill has enhanced programs and expanded the capacity of CAPSA to provide critical 24-hour services, shelter, therapy, and housing for survivors. In 2013, she was named Resident of the Year by the Herald Journal, and in 2016, she receive the Lifetime Achievement Award from Utah State University’s Center for Women and Gender.
Links and resources:
https://udvc.org/
(power and control wheel website)National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233
CAPSA’s 24-hour Support Phone Line: 435-753-2500
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
https://www.facebook.com/strongermarriage
Dr. Dave Schramm:
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
The information provided by the Stronger Marriage Connection Podcast is intended for general information and educational purposes only. The content of the Podcast is not a substitute for professional advice, marriage counseling, or therapy and no content should be construed as personalized advice. The Stronger Marriage Connection Podcast makes no representation or warranty, either express or implied, regarding its content or outcomes derived as a result of listening to the Podcast.
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Dr. Steve Stosny - Turn Resentment into Compassion | #5
Play EpisodeThis week, Liz and Dave interview Dr. Steven Stosny – author, educator, researcher, and one of the top marriage experts in the world. Dr. Stosny explains the underlying causes of disconnection, anger, and emotional abuse and how compassion – the “lifeblood of intimate relationships” - has the power to overcome their detrimental effects in marriage. Join us to learn how to create a deeper marital connection today.
2:00 - Dave’s Fave: “How to Improve your Marriage Without Talking about It”
3:20 - Communication is a function of connection.
4:35 - Communication isn’t about information in a love relationship.
5:50 – Connection is a mental state and a choice.
6:13 – Connecting with your man – touch first.
7:16 – Criticism is not an aphrodisiac.
7:30 – The underlying cause of disconnection: blame, denial, and avoidance
8:35 – Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want
9:35 – Resentment – the root of inter partner violence (IPV)
10:00 - Act on your values, not your feelings
10:30 – Overcoming feelings of resentment with compassion
11:20 – Compassionate assertiveness
13:10 – It’s not your driving, it’s my anxiety
13:50 – People cannot be compassionate when they are defensive
14:47 – Compassion is the lifeblood of intimate relationships.
16:11 – Resentment and the laws of reciprocity and negativity
18:21 – Every couple is different – test the research hypotheses to see if they apply to you
21:16 – The core value skill
22:11 – Improve, connect, appreciate, protect
25:45 – Toddler brain vs the adult brain
26:04 – Abuse is the misuse of the power inherent in attachment
26:21 – The fuel of anger: vulnerability + threat
28:33 – Motivation for emotion: approach, avoid, attack
29:14 – Guilt in relationship is a distance regulator
29:51 – The core value approach to relationship improvement
33:19 – Dr. Stosny’s book, “Empowered Love”
35:01 – Attachment: the secure base
37:26 – Dr. Stosny’s website and resources (relationship bootcamps)
39:05 – Signs of emotional abuse – the failure of compassion
41:55 – How to have a deeper marital connection? Be true to your own values.
43:35 – Takeaways of the day
About [Podcast Guest]:
Steven Stosny, Ph.D., is the founder of CompassionPower. His current book is Empowered Love. Among his previous books include, Soar Above: How to Use the Most Profound Part of Your Brain under Any Kind of Stress, Living and Loving after Betrayal, How to Improve your Marriage without Talking about It: Finding Love beyond Words, Love without Hurt, The Powerful Self, and Treating Attachment Abuse. He has treated over 6,000 clients for various forms of anger, abuse, and violence. He is an advisor Prince Georges County Circuit and District courts on domestic violence. He has appeared on “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” “The Today Show,” “CBS Sunday Morning,” many CNN shows, and in the New York Times, Washington Post, U.S. News & World Report, WSJ, Esquire, Cosmopolitan, O, Psychology Today, USA Today. He has taught at the University of Maryland and at St. Mary’s College of Maryland. His blog on Psychologytoday.com has over 20 million views.
Dr. Stosny currently offers boot camps for chronic resentment, anger, emotional abuse and monthly workshops on various self-healing and relationship topics.
Dr. Steve Stosny:
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
https://www.facebook.com/strongermarriage
Dr. Dave Schramm:
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
The information provided by the Stronger Marriage Connection Podcast is intended for general information and educational purposes only. The content of the Podcast is not a substitute for professional advice, marriage counseling, or therapy and no content should be construed as personalized advice. The Stronger Marriage Connection Podcast makes no representation or warranty, either express or implied, regarding its content or outcomes derived as a result of listening to the Podcast.
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The Key to a Happy Marriage | #4
Play EpisodeJoin us as Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz discuss that the foundation for true connection is within ourselves. We will be talking about four guiding principles that will help you develop a meaningful marriage. Come to discover your strengths, learn how to turn towards your spouse, gain a vision for the marriage of your dreams, and see the value of fierce loyalty.
0:00 –A happy “we” starts with a happy me: Four principles for happy healthy relationships.
1:17 –What does it mean to start whole in marriage?
3:10 –What is the best way to have a good marriage?
3:58--What is the difference between roots and fruits in thriving relationships?
5:05 --Foundations of friendship.
5:48 –The Roots: The power of humility, compassion, & positivity.
7:11 –Principle 1: Searching Inward
8:20 –How do I discover my character strengths?
9:38–What are Dr. Dave’s, Dr. Liz’s, & Rex’s top three Via Character Strengths?
12:50 –What do I do once I discover my Via Strengths?
13:35 –Building upon your partner’s strengths.
14:30 –Principle 2: Turn Outward.
15:50 –A word of caution.
16:39 –How do I turn outward towards my partner?
17:30 –See something -say something.
18:24–Emotional attunement.
19:10 –Principle 3: Look Upward
20:33 –How do I maintain vision?
21:49 –Principle 4: Press Forward.
22:33 –Learning to forgive quickly.
22:45 –Dr. Dave: Learning to stick it out.
24:02 –Fierce commitment.
25:00 –The 20% that drives you crazy.
26:20 –Getting our hearts right: How are you perceiving each other?
27:05 –Let’s Review: Turn Outward!
27:40 –How could my partner possibly love me?
28:20 –Let’s Review: Look Upward!
28:37 –Grow as you go.
29:02 –Let’s Review: Press Forward!
29:21 –Love fluctuates, commitment should never waiver.
30:48 –Nothing is ever wasted.
31:13 –Takeaways & Wrap up.Links:
“Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness,” by Dr. Blaine Fowers
“How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It,” by Pat Love and Steve Stosny
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
https://www.facebook.com/strongermarriage
Dr. Dave Schramm:
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
The information provided by the Stronger Marriage Connection Podcast is intended for general information and educational purposes only. The content of the Podcast is not a substitute for professional advice, marriage counseling, or therapy and no content should be construed as personalized advice. The Stronger Marriage Connection Podcast makes no representation or warranty, either express or implied, regarding its content or outcomes derived as a result of listening to the Podcast.
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Stacy Goulding - True Intimacy | #3
Play EpisodeIn this week’s episode, Stacy Goulding, shares her unique perspective on true intimacy. Whether you are a newlywed excited to kickstart your marriage in the bedroom, a parent hoping to better prepare your teen or adult child for healthy marital intimacy, or simply ready to deepen your own intimate relationship, there is something here for you!
0:0 – Introduction: Who is Stacy Goulding?
1:04 –What is intimacy? What to expect in the True Intimacy Class?
3:30 –How do I talk to my adult kids about marital intimacy?
5:48 –What happens when marital intimacy gets off on the wrong foot?
6:40 –Avoiding unnecessary pain: the True Intimacy Class
8:50 –Why is it necessary to startfamily planning conversations early?
9:53 –Turning “the talk” into a conversation.
11:11 –Not an expert? Try this.
12:23 –Talking to kids about sex: How early is too early?
14:25 –Recurring negative sexual experiences: What are they? How do we stop them? 16:52 –Honeymoon expectations: What should I talk about with my partner?
18:55 –Bring these 2 things to your wedding night!
20:00 –Learning to laugh together.
21:06 –Consent is not constant.
26:03 –Who is sex for?
29:05 –Where can I find Stacy?Stacey Goulding is a licensed Health Educator, the creator of the True Intimacy class, and a wellness coach specializing in women and post-partum wellness. She also loves cycling, dancing, kayaking, pickle-ball, and classic rock. She resides in Utah with her husband and two sons.
Links:
https://www.trueintimacyclass.com
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
https://www.facebook.com/strongermarriage
Dr. Dave Schramm:
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
The information provided by the Stronger Marriage Connection Podcast is intended for general information and educational purposes only. The content of the Podcast is not a substitute for professional advice, marriage counseling, or therapy and no content should be construed as personalized advice. The Stronger Marriage Connection Podcast makes no representation or warranty, either express or implied, regarding its content or outcomes derived as a result of listening to the Podcast.
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Bill Doherty - Commitment In Marriage | #2
Play EpisodeIn this week’s episode, Dr. Bill Doherty, explains the importance of both boundaries and intimacy in avoiding the consumer marriage. He describes how you can avoid the dangers of believing you are a marriage expert, detect harmful marital therapy, navigate marital difficulties as a novice, and ultimately commit to your marriage.
0:0 – Introduction: Who is Bill Doherty?
3:00 – Will 40-50% of marriages really end in divorce?
4:05 – What’s the danger in acting like a marriage expert?
9:54 – The value of commitment in 21stcenturymarriages.
14:58 – What’s the difference between helpful & harmful marriage therapy?
23:00 – How can I be married for life? Two powerful ingredients.
27:00 – The consumer marriage & Marital First Responders.
30:20 – What motivated Bill’s book “Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World that Pulls Us Apart”?
34:17 – How do marital rituals create and sustain happy marriages?
39:12 – Takeaways& the consumer marriage: What about deal breakers?About:
Bill Doherty is a Professor in the Department of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota. A long-time marriage and family therapist, he is an expert on navigating marital crisis, avoiding divorce, and using family rituals to enhance the quality of family life. He is the author of“ The Intentional Family” and “Take Back Your Marriage”. In recent years Bill has taken this couples work to the national level via cofounding Braver Angels, an initiative working to decrease the political polarization that is dividing the country. dohertyfoundation.org. Check out “Insights and Invites” on the Stronger Marriage Connection webpage for key episode takeaways and tips on how to improve your marriage connection today!
Links:
https://maritalfirstresponders.org
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
https://www.facebook.com/strongermarriage
Dr. Dave Schramm:
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
Facebook Marriage Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
The information provided by the Stronger Marriage Connection Podcast is intended for general information and educational purposes only. The content of the Podcast is not a substitute for professional advice, marriage counseling, or therapy and no content should be construed as personalized advice. The Stronger Marriage Connection Podcast makes no representation or warranty, either express or implied, regarding its content or outcomes derived as a result of listening to the Podcast.
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Getting To Know Dave and Liz | #1
Play EpisodeThe doctors are in the house! In this introductory episode, meet Dr. Dave Schramm, a family life professor and extension specialist at Utah State University, and co-host Dr. Liz Hale, licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Salt Lake City, Utah.
Dave and Liz interview each other and share their backgrounds and expertise in their fields. Dave also explains the why of the Stronger Marriage Connection podcast and goal of the show.Let's go!
Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways:
Dr. Dave Schramm:
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU
https://www.facebook.com/strongermarriage
Facebook Marriage Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579
Facebook Parenting Group:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642
Dr. Liz Hale:
The information provided by the Stronger Marriage Connection Podcast is intended for general information and educational purposes only. The content of the Podcast is not a substitute for professional advice, marriage counseling, or therapy and no content should be construed as personalized advice. The Stronger Marriage Connection Podcast makes no representation or warranty, either express or implied, regarding its content or outcomes derived as a result of listening to the Podcast.