My Minute of News with Jeff Caplan
Tom Brady Helped Me Beat Brain Cancer
For 10 year old Noah Reeb, 2022 is starting off way better than 2021.
The Highland child went through 6 months of radiation and treatment at Primary Children’s Hospital last year. This year he got tickets to the Super Bowl from Tom Brady.
Shawn Bradley, after the crash
He was the tallest player ever to wear a BYU basketball uniform.
In his playing day, they called him the Stormin' Mormon. Bradley’s outstretched arms and shot blocks earned him 70-million dollars over his career in the NBA. But then came the bike crash in St George.
Can we stop talking for a minute?
We have the legislature considering whether to put the kibosh on "test to stay.” Remote learning is popping up in at least a few places. Teachers are out sick. The school lunch lady in the cafeteria just got a positive test. Parents are organizing in favor of masks. They’re against masks. We’re hearing about tyranny… community… personal responsibility. County councils have catfights. We’re swamping the hospitals.
But its just an Omicold!
WE NEED Question Time!
Usually when we follow dysfunction in England, we focus on the Queen and her sloppy family problems - mostly because it teaches us that even the wealthiest, most privileged people on this earth have their own messy problems, just like us.But today, let’s focus on the drama swirling around British Prime Minister Boris Johnson - a rumpled populist with tussled hair, who seems to have a problem - he’s a hypocrite.
The Omicron LeBrons
The NBA sells NFT’s. Digital files of highlights on the courts. Most people don’t understand what an NFT really is … Jeff could tell you its unique blockchain digital asset, and regurgitate all the technical jargon, but Jeff has no clue what an NFT is.
What he does know is that at the same the NBA is leaping into the digital future, they’re also rooted deep in the past, keeping precious videotape of great moments, locked in an actual nuclear bunker.
Paradise in the Desert?
You’ve have never been to Telosa, Utah.
Because you’d have to hop on I-15 and take an off-ramp to the future. Telosa has yet to be built. It’s still a fantasy being dreamed-up by tech billionaire Marc Lore.
They say chicken soup is food for the soul. But apparently chicken breasts cure the common cold. At least that’s what a lot of people think when they prepare the latest culinary delight in the kitchen.I kid you not. Chicken breast braised in NyQuil.
Texting with your tongue
Maybe you do this. You’re reading something on the phone, and somebody -say your spouse- starts talking to you. And she says “the dishwasher is acting up again. I’m gonna call the repair guy.” You're completely absorbed by your phone. All you heard you heard was "bhalh zah dish womp womp” As you continue reading you respond “uh uh .. okay,” and you never heard a word.It’s worse when you try to talk to your kids. They’re busy speed texting, and makin’ duck lips and completely ignoring you, and this is gonna get much, much worse. Because there’s a team hard at work perfecting a brand new way to use your phone. I kid you not. It’s a retainer.
Cars that Change Color
When you buy a car… many a couple has reached the point of breakdown over a simple decision.
What color? The other day BMW put the discussion about color to rest.
The Capitol feels different after January 6
A year after the attack on the US Capitol, Jeff Caplan reflects on his own visit to the Capitol building back in July -- and the "new normal" that emerged from that day.
Things we stuck up our noses last year
Have you ever shoved anything up your nose? I’m not talking about nose drops or tissues - I’m asking like - if you ever stuck something like chopsticks up your nose? Jim Carrey Style.
I ask because each year the US Consumer Product Safety Comission compiles a list of the items pulled out of peoples’ noses, in emergency rooms. And in a year we were warned non-stop to mask-up, hide our faces, and avoid putting our own fingers in our nostrils, let’s just say some people got inventive because this government list of items extracted from people’s snouts come in three categories.
Our First Good News Story of 2022!
Red Hamilton is low on the hockey totem poll. He’s the assistant equipment manager for the Vancouver Canucks. He sits on the bench at games, and makes sure everybody has a stick. A few weeks ago, some crazy lady started banging on the glass behind the bench…
This is the story of one man and a dream. For a dozen years, Utah inventor Mark Kirkland has been trying to sell a product called the Candwich.
Back in 2010 Steven Colbert explained what a Candwich is.
Back in the day, any time any American went into space, they’d get their wings. Astronaut wings - little godlen pin that signified they’d flown more than 50 miles up, and came 50 miles down.But no more. Last week… the FAA announced they’re retiring the practice.
And guess who’s among the last humans to be awarded their wings?Jeff Bezos.
Name the Snowplow
While we wait for snow blanket the region…ushering in the Christmastime season The men with their snowplows are gassed up to go But what do we call the trucks pushing snow?
Is the Apple Sticker Edible?
Yesterday Jeff grabbed an apple… and in one practiced motion… he put it in his palm while pulling the hand toward my already opening mouth…. and as he braced for that first delightful chomp…. he froze. The fruit sticker was in Jeff's target zone.He stared at the sticker. It stared back. And the fruit devil on his left shoulder said “Eat It. Eat the Sticker.” The fruit angel on my right said “peel it off Jeff” And it got him wondering ... is it ok to eat the sticker?
The Metaverse is a giant helping of Word Salad
Jeff's spent the past two weeks… no kidding… trying to find out what the metaverse is?He's been reading. He's been watching youtube… and he doesn’t get it.
When the Polar Bears are Gone
Churchill Canada bills itself as the Polar Bear Capitol of the World. Perched at the Northern tip of Manitoba… and pressed up against the Arctic Circle… the people of Churchill are pondering a problem.
With not a single road leading back to the rest of the world… they depend on wealthy tourists to come see the bears… and leave their bucks behind. Tundra Buggies take them out on tours …
Churchill is the place that polar bears wait for the ice to harden …. and as winter takes hold they lumber off onto the frozen sheet hunting for seals.
In Churchill there’s no great love for polar bears. When they’re hungry… they’re so dangerous last week trick-or-treaters in Churchill were followed by parents in cars… just in case of polar bear attack. The New York Times says… drivers take wide turns around corners… in Churchill … llest they plow into a polar bear.
That’s trouble enough but Churchill has a bigger problem and its climate change. Which is happening more quickly the farther north you go. Almost every Christmas we hear about a heatwave at the north pole and it’s suddenly warmer than Utah up there.
So the ice forms later and later each year. The bears get less time to hunt seals… and when their hungry they produce fewer cubs… So their population is dwindling. And Churchill wonders… how to lure the tourists? You can see the Northern Lights there… but that’s true of any town up north.
Churchillians are moving out. The town’s thriving population of 5,000 is down to 800… and soon… thanks to climate change…
the town that will soon by popalted not by its hardscrabble people… nor by majestic polar bears .. But only by ghosts.
Election Day: Never Again
Election Day… and the only people who are gonna drop-off their ballots today are the same ones who do their Christmas shopping December 23rd.
Voting by mail makes it so easy. But we need a changeYou sit home … you go to each candidates facebook page and discover they’re all in favor of family values and the American way of life…. they’re against higher taxes… so you just pick the one with a name you’ve heard before… seal it up… and send it off.
At some point you’ll find out who won. Or maybe you won’t. Either way… you’ve fulfilled your civic responsibility. And I mourn for the kids who’ll never get to have the kind of Election Day experience I enjoyed.
Because back when I was a little one… dad would take me to vote. I felt so important sharing this secret responsibility. He’d hold me in his arms so I’d be tall enough to close the curtain. And he let me pull the little levers on the voting machine. Then I would pull the big handle to make it all final and it made a big cranking noise and I felt like the world’s more important 4 year old. 5 year old. And when I stood on my own two feet.. as an eight year old… and as a 35 year old… took my own young song into the voting machine.. and he pulled the levers but that’s where the story ends.
Because that wizard of oz moment feeling like a powerful man behind the curtain will never be experienced by this new.. generation.
Instead… when it’s time to vote… they’ll get to lick an envelope. So I’d like to suggest this change for the future… that election officials use cherry flavored glue on the envelopes… so that at least there’s *something* special for kids learning how to be good citizens.
Oxford Word of the Year 2021
There are two English Language dictionaries. There’s Merriam Webster… And there’s the other one that you sniff before you say the name.
That would be the (sniff) Oxford Dictionary. It was created in England in the 1850’s… by Justin Quincy Bieber .. actually the great great grand fa… no I’m just messing with you. It was created at Oxford University and ever since they’ve been naming a word of the year.
You probably heard the word of the year for 2021… is vax. It was barely used before this year. But always busy .. we desperately needed to whittle down four syllables to one… and vaccination became vax. Bonus points… it’s both a noun and verb.
It got me wondering … about years past. Last year… the (sniff) Oxford Dictionaryt didn’t bother with a word of the year0. There were too many choices from lockdown… support bubbles.. pandemic Brexit.. black lives matter. Old Justin Bieber Oxford blew a gasket… and they just declared “all those pandemic wordy words” win. congrastulations!
But let’s look at the long term staying power of words gone by. 2005 the word of the year was truthiness. Which means something that seems like it must be true… but its not. 16 years later we are awash in truthiness.
2016 the word of the year was dumpster fire. Even though its two words. . 2017 it was fake news. Two words again.
So this year… salute the (sniff) Oxford dictionary for brushing up on basic math skills. And selecting one word as its word of the year. Out of all the words in the English language… it’s VAX.
Get the point?
The Big Spanx Giveaway
We’ve seen this countless times. The founder sells his company to an investment firm. Next thing a bunch of beancounters in expensive suits show up… and they start laying people off. To “tighten up the balance sheet.”
But not at Sarah Blakely’s company. 20-years ago she invented panty hose without the feet. Nobody thought of it.
So she started Spanx. And her idea was noticed by Oprah.
And the rest is history. With an emphasis on female empowerment… Spanx grew and grew until last week… Sarah Blakely sold the company to an investment firm for 1-point-2 billion dollars.
Normally… the 500 employees would fear for their jobs at this point. But that’s not what happened. Instead Sarah Blakely said thank you. A 6 million dollar thank you.
The Spanx women screamed. There were tears. They cried. But Sarah Blakely had more.
So now you can think about where in teh world you’d go… if you worked Sarah Blakely. But you don’t. And you’ll go home… wishing you did.
In that moment of celebration… the employees didn’t realize the best news of all. After the sale… Sarah Blakely is staying with the company.
So now you can think about where in teh world you’d go… if you worked Sarah Blakely. But you don’t. And probably wish you did.
We’ve seen this script before. The founder of a company sells out to some blue-chip investment firm.; Next thing that happens a bunch of beancounters show up in expensive suits… and then come the rumors… and the layoffs as the numbers crunchers “tighten up the balance sheet.
But Sarah Blakely ran a different kind of company.
So now you can think about where in teh world you’d go… if you worked Sarah Blakely. But you don’t. But righty now… you probably wish you did.
You’ve been hearing about supply chain problems for Christmas… but before we get there I’m a little worried that thanksgiving dinner might be a squeeze of ketchup … a glass of water… and a cup of baking soda from the back of the fridge.
It is looking bleak at the grocery store. The New York Times reports that people all over the country are scouring the supermarkets for favorite ingredients out of fear we’ll see last-minute shortages.
So far there’s no sign of shortages but the stuff you buy will cost more.
In some cases a lot more…. right down to the aluminum roasting pan for the turkey. Sweet Portato farmers are paying truckers twice as much to get their goods to market.
And the turkey? Turkey prices will gobble—up more of the family budget. The times says you can blame the supply chain issues … gas prices… labor shortages. Bad weather. Take your pick - they’re all factors.
Listen to this. Farmer can’t even find the wooden pallets they need to ship to ship their produce.
And so… food prices are up 4-point-6 percent from a year ago. Meat Poultry Fish and Egg prices are up more than 10-percent. And the Thanksgiving Turkey is leading the pack. The Department of Agriculture says Turkey prices will cost 25-cents a pound more than last year.
But while the price of everything is up…. including the trip to Grandmother’s house - I don’t have to tell you about gas prices. We should be thankful that so far - most all the food is available.
So when you’re not busy with the neccesarily early Christmas shopping— you got to head to the grocery store and start shipping for the ingredients for thanksgiving
Anybody who’s been through 4th grade can figure this out.
In the summer of 21 a neighborhood of new houses went up. Wood frames with contoured landscaping that allowed grass grow its way up a slope to the roof. These homes were furnished with custom Swedish furniture. They had working fireplaces. But what they did not have… was realtors prowling the neighborhood looking for folks who might want to flip they’re just built homes.
This neighborhood consisteing f 8 houses finished in the summer of 21 were built without any lumber shortages or contractor delays. Because the homes were built by their owners not in 2021.. but 1021.
Scientists say this enclave is the first proof that Vikings got to North America recisely a thousand years ago. They landed their boats stowed the oars and started chopping trees in easternmost Canada lo those many years ago. Building8 A farmhouses with earthen walls that sloped up to a peak and the homes almost looked like hills. The trrees they cut formed the framing and doorways.
500 years before Columbus. Long before Plymouth Rock.
But what became of these homeowner They disappeared while remnants of their humble homes remain. Did their village die out? Did they go back to Scandinavia to spend a thousand years plotting the arrival of ikea? A mystery, but the precision dating of the year they arrived was unearthed through carbon dating by learned scientists…combined with something you learned in 4th grade. they counted the rings on the trees. Their lumber. And the researchers came to an irrefutable… undenialbe… arrival date of 1021.
Long gone … these Vikings were the first Europeans to establish a beachhead these shores… and the only way we commemorate their arrival… Is with a pro football team in Minnesota.
The Squid Game - Watch in Korean!
My wife & I are now watching the squid game. It’s horrific and violent …and all you need to know is that each episode ends with a body count. But it’s the most popular show in Netflix history… and my job requires me to stay on the cutting edge of popular culture.
So I watched the first five episodes. Fair warning the show is in Korean… and the English dubbing doesn’t quite match the mouths and it’s distracting. Even worse- the American voice actors who performed the dubbing are about as good as high school actors… which makes the entire show comical.
But my associate producer… shout out Jessica Lowell said try watching it in Korean… with English subtitles. And I was like “get outa here.” Next thing you know I’ll be eating brie and … and … wearing sweaters.
But we watched two episodes in Korean… and you know what? WAY BETTER. Becaiuse I wasn’t distracted by the clownish American voice dubbing. This show that seemed comical in English… is a drama in Korean. Listen…. to the difference?
Wicked witch of the west. Funny
Dead serious. Woman is losing it. Life and Death.
So if you’re watching Squid Game… after you hit play… choose the Korean version… for a completely different experience.
Customer Service: CHILL!
A few of the sit down restaurants I’ve been to aren’t the same anymore. The food isn’t quite as awesome. Service is a little slower.
And during that endless wait for the appetizers… 5 minutes. 10 minutes. And tthere’s a little devil on my shoulder demanding that I say something.
Uh … Excuse me. Excuse me.
But the angel on the other shoulder says I have to calm down and be an adult.
The restaurant does not care that I’m wrestling with my demons. They’re sick and tired of stressed out customers snapping because the jalapeno poppers and cheese sticks took 7 minutes.
At $12 bucks an hour… the wait staffis doing the best they can and don’t care that you want to talk with the manager. Because the manager is also secretly sick of the way people act lately.
Hospitals are distributing panic buttons to nurses. Flight attendants are getting self-defense courses. In rare cases customers are getting prison sentences. And before you bellow “whatever happened to the customer is always right?” It’s changing right before your eyes to the customer is usually right…. we’re doing the best we can.
We have to be more patient and less abrasive. We have to do better given the labor shortages the supply chain issues. You’re not gonna get what you want by throwing a seismic fit anymore. The people behind the counter have heard too many diatribes. They know you’ve never been treated so badly in your life. They know you want to talk to the manager.
Believe it or not … your momentary frustration is not the most important thing in the world to the folks trying to serve your needs for 14 bucks an hour.
If the line moves too slowly. Or if they can squeeze you in til next Thursday. Or if that other table got its food before you.. chill. Next time you’re about to snap… listen to the angel on the other shoulder… gliss …. and kill ‘em with kindness.
The Mediocre Salt Lake
Can we still call it the Great Salt Lake? If you've been out to water's edge you know the Salt Lake isn't close to what it used to be, and it's our fault.
Have you been following events in China?
They just celebrated their 4th of July… and part of the celebration was flying jets into Taiwan’s airspace. They violated the territory of their sworn enemy. 38 military jets on Saturday. 39 on Sunday. More than 50 of them yesterday.
China chuckles that this was .. heh heh. like a military parade. People in Capitalist Taiwan. Our friends. Our trading partners…. grin and bear these ever escalating tweaks… all the time.
But consider this. When 1 Russian jet flies into US airspace… it is news.
But when more than 100 Chinese jets invade Taiwan’s airspace …like they did this week… the smallest mistake in the sky could spark war. China’s President makes no bones about conquering Taiwan and the US better not get in the way. .
I’m an expert in Mandarin I’ll translate his warning to the US
We will never allow any foreign forces to bully coerce or enslave us. Whoever attempts this surely break their heads on the steel Great Wall built with the blood and flesh of the Chinese People. This guy musta hired Kim Jong Un to be his speechwriter.
But China can back up this bluster and if they tweak Taiwan into war… what happens?
Do we go to war with China? Would today’s supply chain shortages here in the US look like little hiccups?
Unclear… but it’d only take one mistake in the sky… and we might find out.
Men in College
At the rate this is going… I wonder if Kyle Whittingham is gonna be able to field a football team .
I mean… a MEN’S football team.
Because fewer and fewer young men are choosing college. If you go to the average campus this fall… you’ll find the student body is 40 percent male. 60 percent female The numbers have been creeping this wayr years… and the Wall St Journal reports the gap is growing ever wider.
One college enrollment counsultant tells the Journal this gender disparity is higher education’s dirty little secret that nobody wants to talk about… and nobody’s gonna do anything about.
More boys are graduating high school and lurching for the first paycheck they can find. Colleges don’t have really have an answer. Why don’t you go deep into deb with student loans to face a shaky job market in four years… or grab $16 bucks an hour at an Amazon warehouse?
For a lot of 18 year old boys… its a no-brainer. Go to work. But that doesn’t explain why increasingly .. young women are choosing college. If the trend continues… women could eventually rule the world. And play quarterback for the Utes.
Life Imitates Art. Or is it the other way around?
In Paris… the French are gawking at the Arc de Triumph. A massive stone war memorial in the heart of paris…that’s been completely covered with silver cloth.
It’s a massive art project that will draw millions of people to stare over the next two weeks.
Meantime in California… they’re wrapping another monument. A living monument. This project is anything but art.
National Parks workers wrapped the base of The General Sherman Tree. the mightest of the Giant Sequoias… it’s 2500 years old. It’s as tall as the tip of the dome on the Utah State Capitol Building. Wildfire’s but a single mile away from the famous grove of giant sequoias… and to protect the legendary tree…. they’vey’ve wrapped the base of the trunk in tin foil.
To imagine this… think of a wooden baseball bat. Now imagine putting tin foil around that little lip at the very bottom of the bat. That’s what it looks like and what it seems like … is an exersize in futility. They’re protecting the mightiest tree in the world with an aluminum foil miniskirt.
And it turns out that aluminum foil is a thing in California this summer. Some nervous homeowners have wrapped-up their entire homes in silvery foil. Every inch from the ground up inc including the entire roof … the doors and the windows. That much fire resistant aluminum foil will run you $6000.
In Paris… they’d call that art. But in California… it’s called desperation.
After tragic moments in American history… we’ve always been asked to remember what happened. In the 1800’s the battle cry was Remember the Alamo! In the 1900’s… Remember Pearl Harbor. But we don’t say Remember 9/11.
We say Never Forget. And there’s a difference.
Remember the Alamo… almost sounds like a request. Through the lens of time we hear “Remember Pearl Harbor” and as the greatest generation fades away it seems less like a battle cry, and more like a plea that a dark moment and souls lost hold their page in the history books and they have as they should.
But the vast majority of Americans only remember Pearl Harbor — not as a visceral shock to the system … but as a story told by grandparents who struggle to share the raw emotion, and the fear, and the anger that spurred the country to great things. The story can be retold but the raw emotions can’t be shared.
We remember Pearl Harbor. But 9-11… we say… we demand Never Forget. In New York the charity is the Never Forget Fund. Even Clydsdale Commercials over the weekend said Never Forget. A statement of defiance about a brief moment of desperation and pain. And we won’t forget.
But our grandchildren will never remember. They can’t feel what we felt but I did find hope this weekend from - of all people - a teenage Canadian girl… who just came from nowhere and played in the finals of the US Open Tennis Championship and after the biggest moment in her young life… at Center Stage in New York City … Leyland Fernandez had the presence of mind to literally grab the mic and say this…
She is only 19. There is some hope.
Woolly Mammoths. What could go wrong?
The Jurassic Park movies. Do they end with dinosaurs giving little kids horsey rides.
No. They do not. Every one of those movies features, razor sharp claw marks etched in blood, giant jaws ripping apart human torsos, and airborne pterodactyl assaults.
And now a brand new genetics company - planning to use its test tubes to stir-up a massive prehistoric creature extinct for 800,000 years.
What could go wrong?
The company is Colossal and their goal is to reanimate the Woolly Mamouth. A six ton elephant with a giant skull, massive tusks, and a shaggy dog haircut. They plan to tinker with elephant DNA to add the hair.. the layers of fat… and other manmouth features. They’ll implant the embryos in a fake elephant uterus that will hold the unborn baby for 2 years… til its 200 pounds… and then it’ll be born into a world where it has no mother. Kinda cruel… because elephants are very tight with their moms as they grow-up.
So why is Colossal doing this? Because they can. And because they have 15-million dollars to burn. They want to reintroduce the beasts to Siberia where they say .. it might help repair the climate-damaged tundra. Theoretically these motherless behemths would eat moss and create fertilizer. Thereby reducing carbon emissions. But I once again ask…
What could go wrong?
Just one misplaced strand of DNA… and we could have Jurassic Park Six: furry mess in the frost. But this one… will be a documentary.
The University of Utah got this cool prize
Fear of Flying
You might remember that flying… used to be fun.
Classic moment from the movie Airplane… a comedy from 1980 that couldn’t be made today. Because of September 11th. If you flew on September 10th, 2001… your family walk with you to the gate to say goodbye. Nobody checked nuthin. The plane had a flimsy cockpit door with a lock as secure as the one on your bedroom door.
Do you remember this… sometimes… they’d fly with the door open. And you’d see scenes like this.
Ahhhh the slapstick days of air travel … long gone…. and that movie couldn’t be made today. A comedy about air travel? Unthinkable… after September 11th In a heartbeat…. the experience flipped from fun to a nerve-wracking battle with your patience, steeped in fear that a fellow passenger might be a terrorist.
In those weeks after the attacks… the words “this is your captain speaking” were met with applause. Jetliners flying past ground zero would dip their wings as passengers whispered a prayer.
But I am here to tell you flying used to be fun. No masks… no TSA. And they used to give you legroom. It was an entirely different kind of flying. Or …as they put it in Airplane….
I loved that movie as much as I hate flying.
Words you can't say Anymore: Yahoo
The English language is constantly changing…and I try to roll with it. The word yahoo once described a race of brutish creatures in Gulliver’s Travels. Then it was used to describe crass and stupid people “what a bunch of yahoos” Now… it’s a website. It’s email. And for that matter… google only became a word within the last 20 years.
So I try to keep up… but when it comes to words that used to be good… and now they’re bad.. it’s a little harder to break habits.
This summer I understood when the entomological society of America changed the name of the gypsy moth. Because its a slur against the Romani people. Inferring that like the moths… Romanis strip everything they can and then move. I get it.
But when I hear you can’t talk about shark attacks anymore… I can’t quite get there. In Australia… oceonographers have stopped using the term… shark attack. Because it makes us hate sharks at a time when their population is dwindling…. and might disappear. Better to call them shark incidents… or shark encounters. if we soften the language …they think we’ll want to save the sharks that serve as a vital role of the ocean ecoysystem.
In Massachussets Brandeis University has come up with a list of terms to avoid.
I get that you should avoid the term “rule of thumb.” Rule of Thumb supposedly comes from an old british law allowing men to beat their wives with sticks no wider than your thumb. But there’s no evidence that is true.
Brandeis also says you should avoid the term picnic. Because people would supposedly picnic while watching lynchings in the south.
If this ban against the word picnic triggers you…you can’t use the term trigger warning at brandeis… because a trigger references guns and violence.
What a bunch of yahoos.
warned ya two years ago… they’re tracking your every move.
— CUT ——
See? That was 2019. And two years later… retailers have upped their game bigtime.. with facial recognition. You stop by Macy’s and they record your face in a database. Next time you visit they not only pinpoint where you are… but they can recognize you. Not by name. They say they don’t attach personal information to the faces on file.
But if you have the store’s app… they already know “oh… nancy’s here!” Cuz the bluetooth beacon got the info from your phone.
If you find the facial recognition to be invasive… you should know Walmart, Smiths, Home Depot, and Target have pledged that they won’t use it.
But Macy’s and Apple stores do use facial recognition technology. They say for security. Somebody shoplifts and then visits a second time, the store knows instantly that trouble just walked through the door.
Problem is facial recognition is not perfect. 18 year old Ousmane Bah can tell you all about that. He’s suing apple after their recognition system botched the ID of a shoplifter and Apple had this innocent kid arrested. By the way he looked nothing like the real shoplifter.
But be aware… even if you shut off your phone when you walk into a store… they might be watching
Air Force Heroics in Kabul Crowded Flight
Chances are you’ve been on a crowded flight. No space in the overhead bin… crying babies. Bathroom lines.
Friends …these are first world problems.
Because the world has just seen what a crowded flight really looks like. There’s a picture making the rounds of the interior of a giant C-17 cargo jet taking off from Kabul on Sunday.
You look at this picture and you can’t believe it. The cargo hold is teeming with humanity. Hundreds and hundreds of Afghan refugees crammed into this airborne warehouse… sitting on the floor. No seats.. No seat belts.
Now you get on a crowded flight… there might be 200 people on board. Every seat’s full. But t his flight? We only have a recording from the other side of the military radio transmission. Listen…
No ticketholders. these desperate Afghans saw an open cargo ramp and they all ran in.----Instead of removing them… the crew decided to get them out.——Afghans——Bless that crew for making the decision.
The flight took off without incident… and lande safely in Doha 3 hours later… 640 souls filed out with nothing but the shirts on their back … and a future as refugees. But safe… from the Taliban thanks to the brave efforts of an Air Force flight crew.
Your Metabolism Ain't Slowing
I’m gonna talk about medical science. Now exhale… this has nothing to do with Covid.
A new study just published shows that everything we thought about our metabolism… is wrong. This comes from a paper published in journal Science yesterday…. and experts are calling it a pivotal study that turns our knowledge of metabolism upside-down.
6500 people were studied. They were everywhere from 8 days to 95 years old. Men … women… And it’s expensive to measure people’s metabolism. It involves tracking the carbon dioxide we exhale during activity. In other words… masks. A bunch of researchers pooled the results and discovered… your metabolism doesn’t slow down as you age.
You know … you celebrate a few birthdays … you put on a few pounds… you chalk it up to a slowing metabolism. Nope. Nope nope nope. The researchers found our metabolisms go through four phases
At birth its the same as mom’s. But a month later it kicks in hard… and that first year you are racing
Then from age 1- through 20 it slows by 1 percent a year.
When you hit 20 20 through 60… your metabolism stays rock steady most of your life. And after 60… it slows but only a tiny bit. By 7-tenths of 1 percent a year.
By the time you’re 95 years old… the NY times says you’re metabolism is 20 percent slower than 60. All this means that for almost everybody listening to me now… chances are that slowly expanding waistline. That little bit of belly jiggle… isn’t because your metabolism is slowing. Landmark research.
I think this all started with AirBnB. The idea you can rent-out something you own but aren’t using all the time. Why not make a few bucks. And the idea spread to cars… and now … swimming pools. You have a backyard pool… it’s August you don’t use it as much as you did in june…. so rent it out… with an online service called Swimply. That’s basically AirBnB for swimming pools.
The price ranges from $30 to $45 dollars an hour. The company plans to branch out into hot tubs… private basketball courts… and even home gyms. Which sounds a little skeevy. Going into some guy’s home office to lift his weights and ride his sweaty elliptical. But this is all gonna be part of a new service called Joyspace.
And I wonder. What else could I rent out that I’m not using. And I took a walk around my house. We have electric bikes. We could charge a few bucks an hour for anybody who wants to rent a ride. Hey. We only use the silverware at mealtimes. So why not rent it out. Let the users bring ‘em back dirty. Cleaning’s included in the rental price… We’ll call the app Forkly.
You live in an apartment? How’d you like to get cozy and warm sitting in front of my fireplace. We’ll rent it out to you for 25 bucks an hour… call the app Crackle.
And look at thiiiis. My toothbrush sits in the little stand all day long. I only use it three minutes a day. Why not rent out my toothbrush…. toothpaste included ... dollar a minute. Brushie… with the letter u left out of course.
I’m gonna be rich with my rental empire. And then you can rent all my money and be flush for a while. We’ll call it flushie. Which reminds me… the toilet. just sits there all da… never mind.
But a penny for my thoughts. We’ll call it thinkie. Or we could call it…
Girl Scott Cookie Surplus!
First you pierce the think layer of chocolate with your teeth… and your upper palette tingles from the mint. Then comes the satisfying crunch of the wafer inside. There’s nothing like a Thin Mint from the Girl Scouts.
It’s a huge business… but a little less huge during the pandemic… because the normal channels used to peddle the cookies were closed off. You couldn’t set up a booth. You couldn’t send mom and dad to work with a sign up sheet … because… everybody was home.
So sales were down significantly and the Girl Scouts have 15-million extra boxes of cookies. They’re sitting at the bakers’ warehouses.
So what to do with 50-million dollars worth of cookies? Sell ‘em next year? Nope. Shelf life is 12 months. Sell ‘em to grocery stores? Nope. The annual sale becomes less special… when you can get the cookies at any old store. They did put them in Harmons at the peak of the pandemic… but now… it’s unclear what happens to all those cookie boxes.
What is clear… is that no matter how much it seems like a big business. And they sell 800-million dollars worth of cookies in a good year. the pandemic taught us that there’s one ingredient that makes Girl Scout cookies a hit.
The girls themselves.
They’re the 50-million dollars worth of magic that makes it all happen
Ever been to Lake Chaugagogmanchahgagaggchaubunagungagaug?
The longest town name in America. And making matters more complicated… it’s in the state with the longest name… so if you’re looking for the lovely lake on the google… type in Chaugagogmanchahgagaggchaubunagungamaug, Massachessets.
Out of necessity… the town’s Welcome sign is 16 feet long. The name is a native american term for the boundary between the English and the local Indian Tribe.
49 letters … that town name. The letter G is used 15 times… and when the state wanted to get rid of some of them to make life easier for map makers… the town rose up as one… behing a poet named Bertha who wrote.
Tho Gogg and Magogg shout and thunder;
Shall blaze, the beacon of the town,
While nations gaze and wonder.”
Once a poet gets involved it’s game over… and the state gave up … So 49 letterse it stays… but the crystal blue lake dotted by cottages has changed. These days it's hot real estate. Houses are going up… trees are coming down… and the newest residents of Chaugagogmanchahgagaggcaubunagungamaug have as hard time with the name. Spelling it is murder if you didn’t grow up there… so they just call it Lake Webster.
And when they have to write their address by hand on that form at the doctors office… they just use the five digit equalizer that the same length for every town in America… Zip code 01570.
Bye bye Charlie (bit my finger)
Probably the most famous Youtube video ever. Ladies and Gentlemen… I give you ….Charlie Bit My Finger.
This was back when the internet was innocent… 2007… instead of trolls and karens… 2007 Kids and cats were the superstars.
And none more so than Charlie.
Fast forward… the grinning little finger-biter is 14 years old. Thanks to 900-million views on YouTube… you hear me .. almost a billion views… Charlie and his finger bitten brother now go to private school in England.
And the family has decided to get one last payday.
They’ve turned “charlie bit my finger” into an NFT. I don’t want to get into the convoluted digital sorcery of NFT’s… so suffice it to say… that the video is a one-of-a-kind collectible. The family has promised to remove the video from youtube forever. So - at least in theory the highest bidder …would have the only copy of the video … and yesterday… 11 bidders threw serious money at the auction…. and when the digital dust settled…. Charlie Bit my Finger sold to some anonymous internet dude… for $761,000.
Three quarters orf as million dollars… to own a beloved piece of internet history.
What's the Orange Dot on my iPhone?
I just noticed this. If you have an iphone… look at the bars… y’know…. the signal bars at the top right of the screen.
Other day just above the bars… I saw a tiny orange dot. Thought it was a little spec of dust and I tried to brush it away… but it was on the screen.
Maybe you knew this… but that tiny orange dot above the bars…. is the new way that Apple warns you one of your apps is using the microphone. Some app could be listening.
For instance… if you’re on the phone… you get the orange dot. Buit if you’re not on the phone and you see that orange dot…. that means there’s an app that listening to you. Could be legit… but if you’re concerned… start closing the apps on your phone one by one til the dot goes away.
Even creepier… is a greet dot. If you see a green dot up there… it means one of your apps is watching. It has access to your camera. Could be facebook… cause you gave permission. Could be something else. But if you want privacy… shut apps til the green dot goes away.
And if you have an Android phone…. sorry no dots. You would have to go to the app store and find one that warns you about mic and camera useage. If you don’t download a warning app…. they could be listyening. Or watching.
The Alexa Lady
Listen to this woman on this commercial. Listen close.
Any idea who this is? I’ll play another clip of her. See if you get it.
This woman has chosen to hide the biggest role of her life as a voice-over artist. I’m gonna play one more clip of her. See if you get it.
That’s Nina Rolle from Minneapolis. She does radio commercials… and voices audiobooks… and very quietly…. landed the gig of a lifetime. But after snooping and sluething… tech website the verge.com has revealed Nina… is … Alexa.
—— la voice
She still won’t talk about it. A blonde 40-ish … not really reclusive… but for obvious reasons… Amazon doesn’t want this lady running around declaring “I’m Alexa.” When the Siri Lady… Susan Bennett of Atlanta got famous… Apple replaced her. So for now… it’s all hush hush.
I even asked my Alexa about her….
Figures. Wrong answer. Dang Alexa
We've all had that question, should I ice an injury, or put some heat on it?
I took a bike ride and hurt my back over the weekend. Just a little bit… nothing major.
So question … should I ice it. Or heat it?
People are passionate about this topic. I don’t want to get in a fistfight with you… but my move … is to go the fridge and fish out the frozen peas.
But maybe that wasn't the best move
May the 4th
May the Fourth is like Christmas for Star Wars fans, but it didn't get its start with Sith and Jedi, but rather Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.
The Cello Cow
It’s the return of live music comes not a moment too soon for Jacob Shaw. He’s a world-class cellist who performs with symphonies around the world.
But with no audience the past year… what’s an elite performer to do? Zoom Concerts? Sure he offers free lectures on Instagram. But a performer misses the warm sound of live applause, so Jacob Shaw found a new audience...
Zach Wilson, Are you ready for New York?
So Broadway Zach is the highest draft pick in BYU history.
---With the Second——
Here at home where this young man grew his roots under the watching eye of a loving mom and dad…. the accolades poured in last night. And a lot of BYU fans were beaming with pride.
But do you have any idea what’s waiting for him in New York? The media machine in New York City… lives to grind up a young man with aspirations… and turn his self-respect into dust.
Jets fans spit when they say the names of the hapless … hopeless… quarterbacks who came before. Name you don’t know…but they’ll never forget.
It was all smiles last night… Zach had a contagious grin as he talked about the future last night.
But let’s take a look at what they’re saying in New York this morning. Two headlines in the New York Post.
Zach Wilson’s mom was the real breakout star of the NFL draft. The page is adorned with attractive pictures of Zach’s mom her blond hair flowing. The other headline. Meet the Girlfriend of Jets QB Zach Wilson. And there's Abby Giles. Her blond hair flowing.
Not a word on the front page about Zach Wilson throwing footballs. Let’s hope the rest of the jets catch those footballs… the media will be eating out of Zach’s 18-million dollar hand.
Bird Smuggling for Singing Competitions
A bizarre story I saw on KSLNewsradio.com yesterday.
A man was arrested by customs at JFK Airport in New York for smuggling. Tucked inside his jacket… and taped around his legs… not drugs. No. Hair curlers. And inside each curler… was a small bird… stuffed into the roller… with the open ends capped by mesh netting.
Why would a guy smuggle 35 little finches into America. And the answer is… for the singing competitions of course.
In New York… this is a man known as the Bird King of Queens. Ray Harinarain is an immigrant from Guyana in South America…. where bird singing competitions are a form of entertainment. And he’s brought it here.
Competitors bring their caged birds to a park … for head-to-head sing-offs. Each cages is placed on a pole… and the rest is like Avian Idol. Now if you think there’s cruelty involved. No… no…
Owners coddle these birds with protein diets and selective breeding because in a Sunday competition… the bird that makes the most birdcalls in the course of an hour can win $10,000.
No wonder there’s a housefinch smuggling ring. 36 year old Kevin MacKenzie says he was paid $3000 to smuggle the finches into America. He’s been released by customs on $25,000 bond. The smuggler… is now free as a bird.
When Kevin MacKenzie goes to court… he better hope those finches… don’t sing like canaries.
Sabrina and the Lost VHS Tape
Here’s a “Karen” with something legitimate to complain about.
Caron McBride got married… and she quickly did the right thing…. and contacted the DMV to get her name changed on her drivers license. DMV emailed back… Caron… there’s a warrant to your arrest.
She had no idea . Caron called the District Attorney who said… yeah… there’s a warrant alright. Felony Embezzlement.
Caron did not go all Caron. Because she was so scared she thought it was a heart attack. She’d never done anything wrong. Except. Apparently… 22 years ago… she went to the video store and rented a VHS… and never returned.
For our younger listeners VHS stands for Video Home System. A spooled videotape canister pre-recorded with movies that you’d select in an actual store… for 4 bucks and return to the store the next day. Good citizens would always rewind the tape back to the beginning before returning it but I digress.
Caron McBride doesn’t remember renting Sabrina the Teenage Witch in 1999. But Movie Place in Norman Oklahoma never forgot. They went out of business long ago… but the charges stuck.
CAron McBride now thinks she’s lost jobs over the years because of the felony charge she never knew about.
Good news though. The prosecutor has now dropped the charges… good thing. because the Movie Place went out of business. So there’s a crime with no victim.
And somewhere… there’s a copy of Sabrina the teenage witch … that cast a dark spell over a young woman’s life.
RIP Prince Philip
It’s such a gentle term, “final resting place”. Prince Philip will be lowered to his by the time you wake up tomorrow morning. His casket will be privately lowered into a vault in the church floor... after a funeral for family members at which no choirs performed. At a humble service…. a trio will perform the musical selections for the small gathering of family.
And besides... England’s had enough music this week. The entire country was shocked by the senseless way BBC Radio 1 made the announcement of Prince Philips death. This is the national radio channel of the UK. Upon who’s microphones King George VI spoke during world war 2. Where Queen Elizabeth mourned the death of Diana.
Monday morning they’re playing some headbanger techno music… and all of a sudden a mash up for the ages… with no warning. You’re getting your groove on cranking on the computer and buzzkill. All of a sudden it's G-d Save the Queen… and this.
BBC Television did it a bit more gently. The anchor is wearing black. She looks like she’s been crying. And now… Prince Philip goes to his final resting place. Except its not.
When his wife the queen dies…. they’re gonna pull Philip up out of the floor… and move him to her side… to HER favorite location at Windsor castle. As he lived his life… so too in death… Philip will take his final trip… two steps behind his Queen
Driverless Pizza Delivery!
The future finally arrived yesterday when Domino’s announced it’s going to start delivering pizza with driverless cars.
--Left-Left-Left Right Left—
Pizza wasn’t even a thing til after World War II. Long before that.. in the 1700’s… the first pizza came out an oven in Naples Italty smothered in oil and tomato. It’d be a long time before they’d top it with cheese. Or Pineapple.
On these shores Italian immigrants first served pizza in 1895 in big cities. But it only bubbled across the country after World War II … when troops stationed in Italy got to enjoy real Neopolitan pizza. After that… its popularity exploded.
And yesterday’s announcement by Dominos… could be one of the most important in pizza history.
They’re testing pizza delivery in a driverless car… at one Dominos in Houston. You prepay on the app… and you check a box if you want driverless delivery. You track the pizza’s trip on GPS… and then a Nuro R2 autonomous car pulls into the driveway. It’s a 4 foot tall white push-me pull you. It’s 8 feet long and you can barely tell which is the front and which is the back.
You have to go get the pizza from the Nuro. When you order they give you a pin number. Enter it on the side of the car and a door gently swings upward revealing your hot delicious pizza… hopefully without pineapples.
And as the door gently closes… you can smile …realizing that you didn’t have to tip a pizza guy.
Tik Tok is the undisputed champion of Stupidity
It’s been a while since we checked in on the stupidity on tik tok. Along the way we missed the Feed your Dog hot sauce challenge. We missed the cover your face and neck with hot wax challenge. Yes itt goes in your mouth. Do I have to waste your time with the warning don’t do this?
I will spend a moment telling you the next stunt is so stupid you won’t believe it, and you might be tempted to try it. This one… you’d risk serious injury…. and you have to make sure your kids don’t try this.
Millions and millions of Tik Tok views for Deep Fried Water.
A chemist came up with this recipe. You combine water with a chemical that I won’t give the name of… and it forms a sphere. a jelly like bubble with water inside. Flour …egg.. breadcrubs… you pop the batter covered bubble into the deep fryer… and voila Deep Fried Water.
Unless… the bubble breaks. Dr. Christopher Cramer tells the Daily Mail…. that water boils as a lower temperature that the bubbling oil. So if the bubble springs a leak… you get a high speed explosion and hot oil rains down on everything including… you.
So whenever you hear a story about tik tok is the new place to find stocks. Or tik tok is helping this group or that group. Or how its changing the world… Keep in the back of your mind… it’s still a place filled with epic stupidity.
The Masters And Utah Jazz Concession Prices
If you don’t follow golf… you might not care about history made at the Masters over the weekend.
Hideki Matsuyama won the tournament… would you care if I told you the Masters might lead to cheaper concession prices at Jazz games?
See Augusta National Golf Course offers concession food at prices so cheap they’re shocking.
The traditional dish is the egg salad with pimento cheese sandwich on white bread. it looks like something your mom packed in your school lunch… but it only costs a dollar-50. The only flourish it comes in a green plastic so you drop the wrapper … it blends in with the grass.
Augusta National keeps the prices so cheap because they don’t need the money. And it seems quirky… Golf love quirikiness. But here’s what economists are realizing. When you drop the concession prices… people buy more. Atlanta built a wonderous new football stadium. When it opened they lowered concession prices… to family friendly levels . and they made more money. So now the NBA’s Charlotte Hornets… the Baltimore Raveins
and the 49ers have all followed suit.
Which makes it possible for cheaper concessions at Vivint. So when you dream of a Utah Jazz championship… you can you can also fantasidze about cheaper curros and chick-filet.
College Basketball is Joyless (Joyless NCAA)
College basketball is absolutely joyless. It’ll be intense this weekend… as the Sweet 16 gets whittled down. It’ll probably be thrilling … and crushing at the same time. But joyous?
College basketball doesn’t do joyous. Case in point.
A week ago… I told you that Utah Geological Survey was holding an online contest… to choose Utah’s Greatest Natural Wonder. Delicate Arch… Bowtie Arch? Is it Owachomao Bridge? For a week… people have been having fun whittling down the brackets… and we’ve made it to the Seismic 16. All three I mentioned are still in.
But a problem. This week… College Basketball’s Missouri Valley Conference complained Arch Madness is their registered trademark… you know. St. Louis has that stainless steel arch. And for goodness sakes… the Utah Geological Survey decided to change the name of their cute little contest to avoid a lawsuit.
They had to rebrand the website… change all the images… the logos. And instead of Arch Madness… right now… you go to geology.utah.gov and today you’ll find the generically named Utah. Arch. Challenge.
The Seismic 16 voting continues through Sunday.
Unless another joyless college basketball conference owns the phrase Seismic 16
WWII Music from the Battlefield
Some grandpa’s tell war stories. Richard Burt did.. . Regaling his grandson with his tales from World War II and the jungles of the South Pacific .
But he didn’t carry a gun. Richard Burt carried a trumpet… in 7-46th
The Far East Air Force Band…. playing music just behind the front lines in the Phillipines to build morale.
A couple of times… they used those newfangled machines to record their songs… and when he came home. Richard Burt brought his recordings to KSL in 1946… and they turned the music into recordsthat sat in Richard Burts garage… ….. til long after his death in the 1980’s.
When the family recently found the old recordings in the garage… his grandson Jason got a Hollywood music producers….. to erase 75 years of static… and clean up the sound.
And this is one of the few known battlefield music recording from World War II. Jason now hopes you’ll download the 7-46th… on iTunes or stream it on Spotify to help remember a grandpa who fought for freedom — not with the gunmetal… but with the shiny brass… of a trumpet. Jason hopes Grandpa will win a grammy for historical recording next year.
The Neanderthal Makeover!
Admit it. Half of everything you know about Neanderthals… comes from the GEICO Commercials.
You think of Neanderthals as hairy looking lunkheads with prominent foreheads … blurting things like MMMNMH.
But there’s a new body of scientific evidence that indicates Neanderthals might have been more like the mango-salsa nibbling… Geico caveman wearing tennis whites. In short… Neanderthals are getting a makeover.
Examining an intact skull 130-thousand years old… they were able to reconstruct a 3D model of the Neanderthal ear… the evidence shows… they could hear much like we do… a surprise that means they were capable of forming the sounds that make up human speech. Difficult sounds like “th” - Thhhhh. There’s no indication if they had the mental ability… TH might have just been Thuhhhh…
or they might have had a thesaurus worth of speech. We don’t know Recent disocveries show they made cave art. They worse jewelry and buried their dead. So like the Geico commercials… they’re smarter than we thought. But why should you care? Because new research shows that if you carry a specific gene handed down from the Neanderthals… you have a greater risk of severe covid.
So get the vaccine. It’s so easy ….
Boy Meets Shrimp
Jensen Carp is a guy loves his Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal. So he wrestled the inner wrapper open … pours a bowl… and what’s this? A flappy-looking thing.
He asks his wife - as a point of reference - his wife played Topanga in Boy Meets World - He loopks at the flappy thing and asks “what’s this?”
And his wife says … uh… that’s a shrimp tail.
And there were more of them in the cereal box. Shrimp tailos coated in brittle cinnamon sugar. So Jensen Carp - a guy who loves his Cinnamon Toast Crunch… reaches to General Mills on the web… and whaddaya think they did from
They offered him A free box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Now.. Jensen Carp is mad. He wants some answers. Like.. why’s there shrimps swimming in my cereal box?
So he went public. And General Mills went public saying those aren’t shrimp tales. It’s just a ball of cinnamon sugar.
This was a bad move. It’s gone so far that now Crustacean researchers have offered to sample the DNA to identify not only that its a shrimp - but what subspecies… and General Mills is getting its worst publicity ever… the story’s everywhere. They’re messing with the guy who’s married to Topanga.
Some people think Jensen Carp is just looking for publicity. He *is* a podcaster. And he lives in the shadow of a more famous wife… Danielle Fischer.
But it’s become crystal clear… that General Mills is up against the only carp in the world who won’t eat shrimp. Even if its toasted in cinnamon sugar.
The Senate's new Sergeant at Arms
This is the late Margaret Thatcher …after she criticized the Soviet Union and refused to back down.
The Iron Lady lampooning her own fashion sense…. but she left a lasting mark with a different quote. Sadly it was never recorded when she offered If you want something said… ask a man. If you want something done…. ask a woman.
And Senator Chuck Schumer got the message. The other day… he announced a new Senate Sgt at Arms.
SHE is retired Lt General Karen Gibson.
She’s an expert in military intelligence. After the capitol riot on January 6th… the old Sgt at Arms was fired… and General Gibson now brings along a female deputy and chief of staff ..marking the first time in the history… women have held these jobs.
Her title is Sgt at Arms and Doorkeeper of the Senate. and if wonder why the Senate needs a doorkeeper. Back in the 1700’s … lawmakers would leave the Capitol… because they’d get bored. The Doorkeeper kept the door closed so they couldn’t run off.
Ironically since January 6th… the job is to keep people out. Those who’d do harm… and since the Senate wanted to get something done…. they asked a woman.
Time to fly again!
You could almost watch airfares rise by the hour this past week. So anxious we are to get back in the air and away for vacation… we’ve been booking like mad. I’ve seen a few airfares double in the past seven days… so before we go crazy burning up the frequent flier miles and buying expensive tickets… let’s remember what it’s like to fly.
For instance.. last week… a United airlines passenger John Yerkovich arrested on board. And what was he accused of.
— biting off the ear of a fellow passenger——
Oh… so you’re checking out what movies are onboard… and all of a sudden… chomp? Like that?
— police report says….
Basically… John Yerkovich went crazy. Like Tazmanian Devil style… so beserk that it wasn’t enough to pin him to the floor. A doctor on board gave him a shot of benadryl to settle him down.
But what set him off?
— crystal substance —
A meth bender on board. So what about the flight. Wh-where were they going.
That figures. The plane made an emergency stop in South Carolina to take the Yerk away in handcuffs. And now everybody’s enjoying sunny florida… some passengers slightly worse for the wear. Good luck booking your next flight.
I have a nephew who’s the world’s premier bracketologist. My nephew Brad predicted 67 of the 68 teams in the tournament. He doesn’t gamble. He does it for fun… and the sportsworld clamors to interview him this time of year. He’s the guy who calls in sick and stops everything for March Madness… and he’s not alone.
11 percent of America calls in sick for the tournament … brackets in one hand … clicker in the other they’re glued to the TV… watching these overlapping games… and dreaming of beating the one-in-80-trillion-billion odds of nailing a perfect bracket.
But this year is a little bit different because so many people are already working from home. And on this March 19th… I put the word “working” in quotes. Among those who actually go to the office… 30-percent are watching the games on their computer anyway. And this is before we get to BYU tomorrow night.
Big Dance veterans will tell you the way to watch this tournament is to keep all the games up on your computer… and go about your business with the sound ofdf. Notice the scores every once in a while… then stop everything to watch the final two minutes of any close game. Of course… two minutes of basketball takes about 15 minute with commercials… but you can still get the rest of your work done…. and you don’t burn a sick day.
Fewer cars on the roads… more people hitting a hundred out there.
UHP could tell you about the crazy driving around Northern Utah lately. But monday (today) we’re going to have a real nut on the road. The Planters Peanuts NUTMOBILE is coming to (will be in) SLC Monday .
Ever see this thing. It’s a 26 foot long peanut with windows. It goes from town to town driven by a NUT ambassador named Danny Holton …a young guy who dreams of climbing Mt Kiliminjaro… but for now.. drives a peanut.
If you happen to see his ride on Monday… it is a sight to behold. It’s basically an Isuzu Truck Chassis that support an environmentally friendly epoxy peanut as it drives around America going to stadiums.. supermarkets… and community groups. It has hiden solar panels… a wind turbine… and burns 5 percent biodiesel… which means the fuel contains a little bit of peanut oil.
It’s really just one more nut on the roads… but it’s an 11 foot tall 13-thousand pound nut … that’ll make you smile.
So watch out for the NUTmobile….and wave to Danny… who’s having a shell of a time.
Ahhh that blessed sound that signals the day is done… there’s nothing left to do.
— Netflix —
Netflix time! But very soon… you might put your feet up to chill with some Netflix and get a rude surprise.
See … one out of every three people is logged in with a shared password. And Netflix is launching a crackdown.
Here’s what’s gonna happen. If you’re the main account holder who pays the !3.99 a month… nothing. Netflix likes you. But if your sharing with your sister-in-law … here’s what happens to her. A screen pops up at *her* house that says “start your own netflix account for free. And at that moment of maximum relaxation a jolt goes up your spine and you w- wh- what do I do.
What you do is breathe. BREATHE! Because the bottom of the page… they offer to text you a verification code. Of course it’s going to the account holder…. your in-law… so you call them up and say “hey… what’s the code?” Now if you’re not talking to them… because they cancelled on Sunday dinner at the last minute… that’s a 14-dollar a month mistake. Make peace.
But there’s a way out. There’s a button on the screen that says “verify later” Click that and Netflix lets you watch your show in peace. Or as much peace as you can get… knowing they might bust you at any moment.
You can Netflix. But you cannot Chill.
But on a Friday night when the work for the week is done and you put your feet up … if you have a shared password… you cannot chill.
Hand Washing: The Sequel
So the end is near. We can see the finish line. The After begins shortly. So… quick question.
Are you gonna keep washing your hands? I mean five times a day with soap and warm water singing happy birthday.
According to a new study of 2-thousand americans… almost half of us will stick with the new hygiene regimen
42-percent of people surveyed plan to scrub their skin as if we still had a pandemic. Hand sanitzer. Oh you betcha.
In the great before… studies showed that regardless of what people say… if you stood in a public rest room and watched people - the vast majority of men - 69% - walked out of the restroom without washing.
Now… a year later … we’re a nation of snowflake germaophobes… and it looks like for half of us… the intensive hand washing is gonna remain a way of life.
For the other half…. when this is all over if you plan to waltz out of a mens room without washing … I have four words.
Happy Birthday to you.
After this is done…. If you’re not gonna wash your hands in the mens room.. try to understand why I’m gonna stick with elbow bumping.
Burger King Blows it Bigtime
Wow did Burger King blow it, bigtime.
International Women’s Day on Monday… they decided to honor women with a tweet that reads “Women belong in the Kitchen”
The tweet from Burger King in the UK riccocheted around the world…. as people smacked their foreheads over the tone-deaf tweet.
Burger King had to write a follow up tweet to explain that what we meant was.
Folks, if you ever post on twitter… you never want to be in a situation where you have to say “what I meant was.”
In this case… they meant that only about 20% of chefs.. are women. And Burger King’s committed to empowering its female employees pursue their culinary dreams.
The blowback was so bad that KFC tweeted “delete the entire thing.”
One observant person said… it would have been so easy for Burger King to honor women. All they had to do was change their name for a day to Burger Queen.
After all… to be a Queen? What could be better?!
These days the Queen has beef with her grandkids. And she says… recollections of what happened with Megan vary. So …its’ possible somebody’s telling … a whopper.
Dr. Seuss and the Free Market
A lot of people are angry Dr. Suess Enterprises. The company has stopped publishing six Dr. Suess books because of their racial insensitivity… and there’s a lot of grumbling that this is cancel culture at work. That children are being denied the fine books that first opened your eyes to the joy of reading.
I have two things to point out. And I’m gonna call them thing one… and thing two.
Thing One: You’ve probably never heard of these Dr Suess books being removed from publication. This is not green eggs and ham. The Cat in the Hat will be around for a long time to come. Truth is … there are six .. maybe 10 doctor Suess books that have stood the test of time and mremain famous. The titles going away include "McElligot’s Pool and “On Beyond Zebra” They’re not the ones that were building blocks of your childhood.
Now Thing Two: While some see yet another case of cancel culture This is could be seen a case of free-market capitalism hard at work.
Dr Suess Enterprises is owned a private company that decided to stop selling six of their products. It’s their right. The result of the decision… is that they’re making a ton of money. Go check Amazon’s Best Seller list. At this moment …the top selling book in America is The Cat in the Hat. 9 of the top 10 books on the list …are by Dr Suess. That’s never happened Green Eggs… One Fish Two Fish. Fox in Socks. The old favorites are all there.
Even if you will not read them in your house.
and will not read them with a mouse.
It’s March and that means we’ve gone once around the sun with Covid casting it's shadow. Prepare yourself. In days ahead we’ll observe a full year since the shocking night Rudy Gobert tested positive. This month we’ll mark 12 full months since the physical shock from the earth beneath us.
Brace yourself again. Because ironic as it may seem… the anniversary means we’re going to relive one of the worst months of our lives. You’re going to see endless looks back… beginning this week… as we mark a year since the first case of Coronavirus in Utah.
That was Marc Jorgensen….
—— Cut —
Fuss? His family was threatened on social media. After she was done with quarantine his wife was banned from the gym.
— Cut —
And now we DO understand what the panic was about. Anniversary gives us an opportunity to relive the nightmare… knowing all the things we didn’t know then… and it gives us the chance to see how far we’ve come.
And then we can focus on how far we’ll go. Will we go back to hugging? Will people work from work. By next month… we’ll all be looking forward to whatever’s next…. as we begin to write post-pandemic history.
Froot Loops Pizza
If you take I -80 straight to the east … and go 15 hours… you’ll arrive t=ao Des Moines, Iowa. you gotta make a right from the 2nd Aveoff-ramp… and a few blocks later… you’ll arrive at Fong’s. A storefront amid the 3 story brick buildings. And it’s the home of America’s newest Culinary abomination.
Well… let me pause here. If you were going to add breakfast cereal to a cheese pizza… which would you pick? Corn flakes for some crunch? Rice Krispies for some snap crackle pop?
Think about your favorite… as I inform you that Fong’s has lit up the internet in pure disgust… with the
with Fruit Loops Pizza.
It’s a 16-inch thin crust cheese pie… smothered in mozarella… and topped with a healthy handfdul…. unhealthy handful of fruit loops. Multicolored sugary circles …that leach dye into the mozarella… making this pizza something close to a steaming rainbow.
And before you consider what it tastes like … I have to let you know the fruit loops absorb the pizza grease…. so they’re actually wet warm and soggy.
So if your dinner tonight turns out a little disappointing… just remember… it could be worse.
For the privilege of eating this revolting combination of fruit loops mozarella and tomato sauce … Fong’s will charge you $20 a pie.
Coca Cola Diversity Training Rumor
Some Utahns are looking nervously at their diet cokes… wondering if they’re supposed to boycott the bubbly brown liquid that keeps them going.
What’s GOT them going is a social media rumor… that claims Coca Cola is instructing employees to “try and be less white”
It’s all because of a screenshot… is supposedly from Coca Cola Diversity training. But Coca Cola sayhs… wait a minute. That’s not us. What you’re seeing online is not from our diversity training.
The “try and be less white” lesson comes from a Linked-In video posted by the company that run Coke’s diversity progra That video explains that “try to be less white” means to be less arrogant… less defensive… more humble.
No matter how offensive you think”try to be less white” might be … Coke says… the offending slide making the rounds is *not* a part of the company’s diversity curriculum.
But if your in Coke's online diversity training… there are links you can click for more information … and you can end up making your way to that “try to be less white” screen. But Coca Cola employees are not “required” to “try and be less white.”
So is it okay to slurp a Diet Coke?
Having done my research, I would. Except I hate diet soda.
Word of Mouth Works!
Have you seen that AT&T Commercial… where the guy calls his mom to tell her about the deal?
So true. And proof that word of mouth works… comes fromNew York City… where people have been whispering about a fella who makes the best pizza in New York. But you can’t buy it. At any price. According to the word of mouth… this guy makes the pizza in his apartment with imported flour from italy. He leavens for 72 hours for the perfect crust and he tops it with fresh burrata cheese and organic produce. It costs him 25-bucks to make a pie … and legend has it he only makes three pies a week in his tiny kitchen.
The chef has a webpage where you put in your email address. When he makes a pie… he might contact you. And if he does… you have to trade… and give him fresh food. Donuts … cookies …whatever. No money. Here he is on the street like a drug dealer… trading one of his coveted pies with a woman who has homemade jam.
Yesterday… the NY Post outed 30-year old Gabriele Lamonoco ... as the creator of the best pizza in New York.
What began with Word of mouth is now an explosion of publicity and . Undoubtedly … somebody with deep pockets is going to back him …and Gabriele’s…. will open its doors … before you can say Grazie
Wanna go into Space?
Did the Mars Landing get you all excited about space again?
Well here’s your chance to go into space… thanks to a guy named Jared
Yeah. Jared Isaacman. He's a 37-year old tech billionaire… from Pennsylvaniawho paid Spacex to give him all the seats on one of their upcoming trip to orbit.
See there’s no pilot on this flight. Computers will do the work. Leaving room for Isaacman to buy four.
He bought four seats. Doesn’t say how much he paid. One seat’s for him. He’s the commander. One seat goes to a health care worker for free. One seat will be raffled off … with the proceeds going to St Jude’s Children’s Hospital. And the fourth seat can be yours if you’re lucky.
You go to this website. Inspiration4.com That’s the number 4. You can make a donation to St Jude’s. Every 10 dollars you donate counts as one ticket in the raffle. So you could spend 10-bucks… and get a 55-million dollar ticket to space.
While supporting a great cause. This is a win win. It’s hoped the raffle will raise up to 200-million dollars for St. Judes.
There’s gonna be a lottery for the third seat. Only for customers of Isaacman’s business==
Zoom: The Next Generation
I feel like my social life has been reduced to an episode of the Brady Bunch. Just me and a bunch o squares on Zoom.
Teams… Slack… Zoom … no matter the app… it’s all the same a two-dimensional checkerboard of human heads… sure… the heads change from meeting to meeting… but the awkwardness stays. Try singing happy birthday to a co-worker. We did….
That was not the Tabernacle choir in case you were confused. — that was bad —
Thankfully… the next generation of group meeting apps is in beta testing. There’s one called gather.town — instead of a tik tak toe board…. you’re in a house. You use the arrow keys to move around… and as you get closer to a person …they get louder and other voices fade. You can sit on a couch or at a table… and have a private one-on-one… while others do the same thing. It’s more like being at a party … than that sad …sad … birthday song I just played.
Point is… there’s hope. developers are working on a bunch of different meeting apps that do away with the checkerboard and make virtual life a little more engaging.
Or irf you’re a Brady Bunch fan… you can always stick with Zoom.
My brush with Donald Trump
I only recently remembered that I was once in a room with Donald Trump once. Yeah. 1990. I got tickets to a Mike Tyson fight… at the Trump Plaza hotel in Atlantic City.
All the beautiful people were ringside. Rap Stars… and Sports Heroes… and your host for the evening….
I was sitting in the last row of the place… way up there… barely able to see…. and there wasn’t much to see. Iron Mike punched some guy into orbit… first round knockout.
It was scary. The place went so crazy I thought there was gonna be a riot…. I mean.. some people paid hundreds of dollars a ticket… and the thing lasted two minutes. I thought they were mad that they didn’t get their money’s worth So I put on my coat… and headed for the exit… but things calmed down… everybody filed out of the arena… presumably headed to the casino floor to spend all their money.
But all that cash coming in … it still didn’t pay for the sparking chandeliers dripping from the ceilings at Trump Plaza… and the casino went bankrupt. And it changed hands. Back in 1990 that hotel was the glittering jewel of atlantic clity.
But it never made good money…. and this morning… The Trump Plaza hotel…. was blown upt. Controlled explosions collapsed the 37 story building …
All that’s left behind this afternoon… is a heap of rubble…. and memories of Donald Trump’s Jersey Shore heyday.
World's Oldest Musical Instrument
Archeologists have discovered what might be the oldest music instrument ever found.
Almost 100 years ago In an ancient cave in France… they unearthed a large seashell. Which has been sitting in a rather ho hum French museum ever since.
But archeologists recently took a closer look at this foot long shell… and discovered notches and punctures that could only serve to enhance the sound it makes when you purse your lips and blow into it like a trumpet player.
The best part. This prehistoric musical instrument still works. And courtesy of the NY Times… Here’s a recording of this 17,000 year old instrument from the Paleolithic era. This is musicologist Jean Michel Court… is playing the shell...
The oldest musical instrument ever. And all I can think about is the cave man who played it. Dude must have been a rock star. Could you imagine… prehistoric people hearing music for the first time. Undoubtedly this guy did concerts had cave-women groupies. And for the first time… as a KSL treat… I’ve used spectral audio analysis and state of the art multitrack regression to join both ends of the historical spectrum for an imaginary duet between this cave man…. and one of our legendary classic rock stars… John Lennon. Please enjoy.
You’re chuckling… but I suggest this prehistoric hornblower was every bit as popular as the Beatles. Just 17,000 years ahead of his time. And he For 17,000 years… he never tooted his own horn.
Pearl Milling Company
The name makes perfect sense. Casting about for a rebranding of Aunt Jemima pancakes… a slew of executives… a bevy of branding experts and an armada of analysts… held focus groups… saved spreadsheets … and a million powerpoints later… the an landed on the new name… Pearl Milling Company Syrap.
Like their pancakes… the name's a mouthful.
Pearl Milling Company. According to the newly minted legend… Pearl Milling Company was tthe Mill in St Joseph, Missouri. where self-rising pancake batter was first created.
Aunt Jemima’s portrait is gone from the box and bottle. Replaced by a quaint sketch of an old stone mill and waterwheel.
It’s supposed to make you think down home thoughts of earnest bakers… grinding the grist by the sweat of their brow. When actually Aunt Jemima is owned by Quaker Oats… which is owned by Pepsi. Which is a 192 billion dollar company.
On twitter today… pancake fans have come up with 192 billion reasons the name… stinks.
Pearl Milling. Sounds like a gravel mining company. Here’s a nother … sounds like something owned by a James Bond Villain. Boring and Forgettable. I’m switching to Mrs. Butterworth.
Somebody thought Pearl Milling was a good name. I hope that somebody checked… on the name because there are at least two African American women in America named… Pearl Milling.
Somewhere Mrs. Butterworth is laughing her cap off.
Did you know that foreigners think we’re nuts…. because we eat peanut butter?
They can’t fathom putting hydrogenated peanut paste in their mouths … Here’s a British woman trying it for the first time.
She takes a taste
o: could you.
Sure I could. It’s as Ameri
can than apple pie - by age 17... the average kid has eats 1500 peanut butter sandwiches
All American Peanut Butter was invented by the same guy who created corn flakes. John Harvey Kellogg… in 1895…. … it was food the beautiful people. Amelia Earhart and Henry Ford enjoyed it as a delicacy … then the little people followed along believe the ads that said 10 cents worth of peanuts pack six times the energy of a porterhouse steak.
Wasn’t true. But now Peanut Butter is so ubiquitous… this past spring… Yale researchers applied for a grant to use it as an early-warning covid test. Because it’s in almost every American kitchen. The test was simple. Open a jar. Smell it. If you can’t … you probably have Covid.
Theyyyyy didn’t get the grant.
But Peanut Butter can fix dings in your wooden furniture… hide scratches in leather … and remove bugs from your windshield… Smear it on let it sit a half hour and hose it off. Bugs are gone. but if you try it… you gotta use smooth. Crunchy’d be a disaster.
So hoist a pbj high in the air … it might look like a sandwich… but its what makes you …an American.
The Church in the Middle of America
In his Super Bowl Commercial… Bruce Springsteen asked America to meet in the middle. Metaphorically speaking the the middle of the country… there’s a church.
— Bruce —
I’d love to see the pews filled with millions of Americans… but there’s something from last month stuck in my mind… that keeps me from seeing all of America... meeting-up at a church.
Some people can’t get to the middle because of their apocolyptic fear of the other side. They were inside the capitol a month ago… shattering the unbreakable glass that protects our democracy.
But what’s stuck in my mind… is a New York Times article in the Fashion section of all places… from January 15th. Nine days after the capitol siege .. it’s still a raw wound. a reader asks… is it okay to wear camo… or will people think I’m sympathizing with the rioters?
The Times Fashion writer contemplates this and very seriously decides… it’s okay to wear the clothing that uses a bit of the camo pattern because it’s a classic style like polka dots… but you should avoid wearing camo fatigues…because it might be misinterpreted.
With Democracy shaken to its core… this is what some New Yorkers worry about … and I’m not quite sure how we all get to Bruce Springsteen’s middle.
Today… the nation is focused on what happened at the Capitol January 6th… and the former President’s role in the chaos … the riot… the siege… whatever you call it.
But a month later - it’s only been a month - I can’t stop thinking about an article I saw in the New York Times that graphically shows how different
Did you happen to catch the commercials for Paramount during the Super Bowl.
Paramount owns CBS these days… and the commercials feature all the stars
The Star Trek Characters… Beavis and Butthead… and the Survivor guy trudge through biting wind as they hike a snow-covered mountain.
The imagery is not lost… they’re hiking the mountain from the Paramount logo that you’ve been seeing your whole life.
Can you picture it? snowy peak… surrounded by white stars…
So let me ask you … does the mountain in the Paramount logo familiar? It should if you’ve ever driver I-15 north… through Ogden.
The man who designed the logo was William Wadsworth Hodkinson…who built one of the first movie theatres in Ogden in 1907. Then Salt Lake … then he went to the west coast… and when he needed a new logo for his Paramount Picture Company… he drew the peak he remembered from childhood in Pleasant View. The majestic… craggy 10k peak of Ben Lomond… which your staring straight at… when you’re driving north past ogden.
The Paramount logo is a loose representation of a local mountain and you probably never knew. Even though the logo’s been arround for 106 years… based on a Utah mountain ….that’s been around for a few more.
Robin Hood and the band of Merry Young Traders
Couple nights ago ... one my kids texted… and asked “should I buy Gamestop?”
Exactly like the old Wall St saying… when your plumber asks what stocks you’re buying… it’s time to sell.
You’ve been hearing about Gamestop. If you’re wondering what’s going on… think of it as the story of Robin Hood.
Young people clutching their stimulus checks … play the market. Buy Sell Buy Sell… and in this case … they locked onto a single crummy stock… Gamestop. A little videogame store in the mall. hyped it up on social media… til millions were buying. Wednesday… alone 24-billion dollars worth of Gamestop.
Robin Hood robbed from the rich to give to the poor. In this case… the rich are billionaire hedge funds that bet gamestop would tank. The billionaires lost their starched white collar shirts … and it so unnerved the markets… the Dow fell 600 points Wednesday.
Did I mention thesemerry young men with stimulus checks use an online brokerage called RobinHood.com Even they’ve had enough. Robin Hood shut down trading in Gamestop on Thursday. and the stock tanked.
These young traders probably don’t realize how the story of Robin Hood ends. With a bloody mess… with Robin Hood dead. So I told my kid… if you follow the hype and buy Gamestop… there might not be a happily ever after.
Budweiser Skips the Superbowl
I don’t drink beer. I do consume beer commercials. And I’ve noticed there were far far fewer of them on football games this season.
Of the ones that did air… Budweiser used the old trick of playing old quote-unquote “legendary” commercials from years past. It costs less to re-run an old commercial.
And now… Budweiser has announced it won’t run any Superbowl commercials for it’s signature beer. Kinda sad
Through the years…. Budweiser’s used the Super Bowl created pop culture catchphrases… and unforgettable branding. If you’re old enough… do you remember…
or frogs croaking the brand name.
and who can forget the Clydesdales.
But this year… Budweiser is getting even more attention by releasing a commercial that explains why they won’t be at the SuperBowl.
At the end … on a black screen… you’ll read that they’re spending the Super Bowl money on a year long vaccine awareness campaign. This commercial will be all over TV for the next two weeks… leading up to the Super Bowl.
The Photographer who shot the Bernie Sanders picture
You’ve probably never heard of Brendan Smialovski. He works very quietly. Oh so very quietly as a photojournalist… never stirring. never creating a commotion. Always just a heartbeat away from the action…
He took the famous photo of President Trump in front of the church holding a bible. And countless other shots seared into your brain…. over the last 20 years. . The last four presidents. War Zones. Brendan Smialovski has spend his life an arm’s legnth from history.
And so it was again…. last Wednesday. When the 40 year old award winning photographer passed through the security checkpoints… clambered onto the rickety photographer’s stand and set up his equipment to record history. The inauguration of Joe Biden.
It was cold… on that open platform 30 feet in the air… wind was biting as the hour approached. Smialovski took pictures of all the dignitaries greeting each other … his eye glued to the lens… but he’s a pro. While he looks through the lens ...e’s learned to scan aa crowd with the other eye.. and that’s how he saw Senator Bernie Sanders fidgeting. Legs crossed. mittens wiggling…
< snap >
And out of all the wars.. and inaugurations.. and famous moments… Brendan Smialovksi’s will now be most remembered… for the picture of an old man bundled against the cold. At the inauguration.
Dealing with Fear of Needles
I’m gonna hand in my man card and admit I get a little queasy around blood. Whenever they need a blood sample… I look the other way …and recite the 1969 New York Mets batting order. Tommy Agee… CF Wayne Garrett… 2nd base Cleon Jones left field.
I remembered this just to truck it out whenever I give blood. So I understand people who say they’re afraid of needles. A fear that could spell the difference between getting vaccinated… and getting covid.
If you’re afraid of getting a shot… if you get that cold sweat… if you feel lightheaded… or passout… it’s a recognized disorder. if you fear blood or injections it’s called trypanophobia. They say a quarter of all adults are afraid of needles. 7-percent of us will avoid the vaccine because of that fear.
We’re all pulling for herd immunity… so if you’re afraid of needles… short of visiting a shrink… experts tell CNN you could distract yourself… by counting your breaths… reciting the Mets batting order. And if that doesn’t work.. benadryl can calm you down somewhat. No prescription required.
But if you experience serious mortal fear of needles… you might need a shrink. They say it takes four to 10 sessions on the couch to cure trypanophobia.
But it CAN be cured. And it can be treated. That’s the point.
The Ferrari SUV
It’s no secret the car business is really the SUV business these days. Sedans have fallen far from favor in dealer showrooms. And you certainly don’t see a lot of hot new sportscars on I-15… You see pickups and more pickups and minivans… and late model SUV’s everywhere.
So it was inevitable ever since Porsche started selling the Cayenne. The car company synonymous with sexy curves… and speed … Ferrari…. is coming out with an SUV.
Save up folks. Next year… at some point … you’re gonna do a double-take when you see a fire engine red SUV woosh by in the passing lane…. and you’re gonna say “what was that?
But since you’re listening right now you’ll know it’s the Ferrari Model with the name that’s so hard to pronounce… that Motor1.com had to consult with it’s editor in Italy and recorded the pronunciation. You ready? IT’s the Ferrari
A translation… ( ) is the Italian word for thoroughbred. The ( ) should do 200 miles an hour… acceleration? All you need to know is It'll flatten the kids in the backseat… and send their sippy cups flying.
The sticker should be around $260,000. Only problem… when somebody asks “wow. What is this thing… you’d gonna sound like a jerk when say … oh .. it’s my new “ “
Sounds of the Inauguration
This inauguration had the biggest crowd ever. If you’re counting flags instead of people. 191-thousand flags fluttering in the breeze…. on the mall…. but the historic day began… with a goodbye.
Attention quickly shifted from the palms of florida to the seat of government… the nation’s capitol.
Famous voices rose in song. Lady Gaga…
There was Jennifer Lopez
There was a historic first.
And the moment…. prescribed by the constitution…
There was an appeal to heal…
And a presidential promise….
The formalities …punctuated by Garth Brooks… and a poem.
And thus ended a peaceful transition of power. Now the work begins.
Dr. King's speech
Why’s is Martin Luther King Jr’s I Had a Dream so important. Why has it become part of the American Liturgy.
Time.. Place… and words that echoed far beyond the loudspeakers.
Time 1963… The height of the push for Civil Rights. Place.More than 100,000 black Americans solemn and peaceful in their protest on the National Mall in Washington.
The Reverand takes us through American history first reminding everyone of the greatest speech in American history. Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. as he uses lincoln’s rhetorical flourish.
Listen to the lyrical intensity… as he cites the declaration of independence decree that all men are created equal.
Describing the past… he points to the future… repeating the speech’es title as a chorus… as an exclamation point.
Proof of the strength of this speech … each January… for 57 years… it’s heard in classrooms… on TV…and leaves the listener to to weigh …whether King’s dream has come true.
You could say one good thing about the War of 1812. We know what year it happened. Other than that it was ugly. As British Troops fought their way toward washington President Madison and top officials evacuated to Maryland…sleeping at people’s homes…. the night the Brits burned down the White House… which wasn’t even called the White House yet. It was the Presidential mansion.
That same night... the Brits set fire to the Capitol. And it was the British. Wasn’t French people dressed in British swag. History has proven that sometimes… it is what it is.
For 206 years since the Brits sparked the fire … the Capitol Building has stood as the stone embodiment of national pride. Til a ragged mob cast aside the heavy wood doors… and their good judgement.
Because regardless of the dirty business of politics taking place under that rotunda… it’s the People’s building. It doesn’t belong to James Angeli… a Q-Anon leader photographed in the house chamber with a megaphone yestereay. Confirmed by his family it was him.
The Capitol doesn’t belong Nich Ochs…. the founder of the Proud Boys Hawaii Chapter…. who tweeted Hello from the capitol … as smoked a cigarette.
Nor Bigo Barnett… the leader of an Gravette, Arkansas Gun Rights Group… who put his feet up on Nancy Pelosi’s desk and stole her paperwork… and bragged about it.
These were not Trump supporters. These were Trump diehards … tried and true…breaching the US capitol…
Disproven social media posts say otherwise… but sometimes… it is what it is.
Patience People! The Vaccine is Coming
The complaints are off the charts. As the vaccine rollout kicks into 2nd gear… a lot of people are angry and frustrated. As they prepare to open things up to the elderly … we’re seeing complaints about crashing government websites… overloaded phone systems. Appointments confirmed and then unconfirmed.
I heard one complaint that at a vaccination drive through… can you believe they won’t have porta potties for the elderly?
Folks. This vaccine is an awe-inspring miracle of modern science. They’re creating 500-milion doses in the snap of the fingers… distribuing it via utra cold storage to the states… and stick it into people’s arms. This is a herculean undertaking. I gaurantee you that nobody involved in this effort has any experience at something like this.
And the complaints aren’t just in Utah. Similar sentiments are echoing across the country … because everybody who wants t he vaccine wants it right now….
A few days ago… Health and Human Services announced they’re releasing their reserves. The vials the vials are coming. But the Washington Post reports when they said we’re releasing the reserves…. there were no reserves. They were already depleted.
So the states aren’t going to get a flood of vaccine as they expected. Appointments might be cancelled… and we’ll hear more complaints.
This is a breathtaking vaccination program that’s beginning with one symptom you don’t associate with Covid.
So try to be patient. And for the meantime… stay safe.
The Newest Oreo Flavor
While we’re all hangin’ out on the couch binging on junk food… it’s time to salute America’s favorite cookie— which keeps finding new ways to excite the public about a treat that’s been hanging around kitchens for 108 years.
Of course… I’m talking about Oreos. In the past three years… Oreo has introduced the following limited edition flavors. Carrot Cake Oreas. Crispy Tiramisu Oreos. Jelly Donut, Mississippi Mud Pie and Key Lime Oreos.
There were Churro flavored Mystery Oreos… Waffle and Syrup Oreos.
None of them as good as the original of course.
And that’s the point. The new flavors spark new interest… and send people back to the store to buy plain ole oreos. The New York Times reports when the novelty flavors boost sales by 12-percent… traditional oreas go up 22 percent.
So they spentdup to two years researching,, choosing … and baking each of these new flavors.
But did you know they make special flavors for other countries? And you’re never gonna get to taste them? In China they sell hot chicken wing oreos. And wasabi oreos. But thats nothing.
To give you an idea how different taste buds work in China… a few weeks ago McDonalds briefly offered a Spam and Oreo Burger. Two slabs of spam with the sweet aftertaste of Oreos mixed in.
I have no idea if it goes well with fry sauce.
But here’s one that goes well with milk. The new oreo just hitting stores has three layers of creme. Brownie fl, original creme and cookie dough. Pressed between two delicious biscuits.
Hey. It’s better the spam.
Dippin Dots: The ice cream of the Future
My son Benj and I always laugh when we see dippin’ dots for sale. You know what their slogan is …right? Says it right on the cart. “The Ice Cream of the Future.”
For 30 years they’ve been the" ice cream of the future” And we ask each other… When does this future show up?
Well seems the answer is … 2021.
Because the Pfizer vaccine has to be stored at a temperature of minus 94. And it’s hard to find freezers that cold.
Dippin Dots… has them.
They have a subsidiary that makes ultra-cold freezers. The ones they make for other industries … can hit 122 below. Some of them are already used for vaccine storage. Dippin Dots also have expertise in distributing ice-cold products…. using dry ice and insulation to get those dots from here to there before they become itty bitty puddles.
And because of this expertise… and their freezer manufacturing operation … and the inquiries they’re getting about how to keep the vaccine cold… my son and I now have the answer to the age old question we’ve been pondering for a quarter century.
At Dippin Dots…. The future is now
Don't let moose lick car
Things can get a little strange…. up in Canada.
As you enter Jasper National Park… the digital road signs at flash a dire warning. Or is it a joke?
What would you think if you slipped past the entry booths at this huge park in western Alberta… quickly rolled up your windows to evade the near arctic cold… and saw a flashing sign that reads “Do not let moose lick your car.”
It sounds like its straight out of the script of Rocky and Bulwinkle.
To those under age 40 Rocky and bulwinkle were a Cold War cartoon that lampooned Russia… using a flying squirrel as a vehicle for America’s … oh forget it.
Anyway…. Canadians driving through this national park are warned. But why? Why can’t you let the moose lick your car? There’s no explanation unless you ask a park ranger…. who’d explain that your car is covered with roadsalt in winter And the mooses just love it to pieces…. and they’ll start hunting cars for the flavor… and it can get ugly and their serious. So don’t stop and give ‘em the chance to sample your metallic smogasbord.
And if we’re ever allowed back into Canadian National Parks again… be aware… the fine for letting a moose lick your car … is $19000.
Over the past 10 years… you probably heard about Forest Fenn.. an eccentric millionaire who buried treasure somewhere in the Western US… and he published clues. Oh, wait.
Before he died… Fenn wanted to get people off their couches. And along the way, treasure hunters scoured the Rockies searched, and surrendered …at least two people died… before the treasure was discovered last summer.
but as to WHO discovered it… that remained a mystery …until now.
Because of a court case over the treasure hunt… the person who found Forest Fenn’s booty… had to reveal himself… and he chose to do so to Outside magazine.
And it wasn’t a grizzled Indiana Jones type. If you can believe this… he’s a 32-year-old med student who used to write comedy for The Onion. Name is Jack Steuf…. who says he became obsessed with the treasure hunt in 2018… and found the mysterious box in Wyoming… but he won’t say where.
Inside… he found gold nuggets… coins … sapphires… diamonds and pre-Columbian artifacts worth .. eh… 2-million dollars.
Jack Steuf decided not to keep the treasure. He’ll auction it off… because he’s in med school. And has student loans to pay off.
Rescuing the Bookstore
It’s gotta be miserable running a bookstore… knowing that every day Amazon is going to beat his brains in.
Meet James Daunt the new CEO of Barnes and Noble.———————
Are you the type who likes to fan the pages and feel the wind. For those who complete a chapter and get sensory satisfaction from turning… flipping… or sliding the paper right to left. For those who dog ear, bookmark, and highlight literature… there’s the bookstore. The one with a lot of empty parking spaces out front… but James Daunt is aiming to change that.
Maybe you’ll notice his changes at Barnes and Noble. Little things.
Instead of Big tables chock full o books… they’ll put em on small tables. They gotta be round. Seems it sells more books. And they’ll display the books on the shelves so you can see the cover. Instead of standing upsideways
The biggest change… is the end of faceless people in New York deciding what books should be on the shelves of Utah. James Daunt has given store managers more control of inventory. So you might see more books about .. say… family activities… then about the dangers of the subway.
Which makes sense… but is it enough to save bookstores?
James Daunt is confident. He already rescued the biggest book chain in England… and now he’s hoping to save the Barnes and Noble…. with an amazingly simple philosophy. Cater to people who love fanning the pages and feeling the heft. people who love books.
Barnes and Noble
Bored out of our Minds: Grown Up Play-Doh
We’re all spending more time at home… and I think we’ve run through all the things to do.
We’ve blown through just about everything on Netflix and Disney+. I mean … c’mon. You’re so desperate you’ve probably even thought about watching something with subtitles.
I have. It’s not so bad. After a few minutes, you get used to it. But at the beginning … feels like reading an assignment
For hobbies, we've taken up pandemic pastimes like quilting, gardening, carpentry, cooking. And who knows what else… and heading into this winter… we’re all just about at the end of our rope…
And I think the people at Play-Doh know this. Because the folks who make the weirdly satisfying stuff you squish in your hands… are now selling grown-up Play-Doh.
It’s on amazon. You get 6 colors for 12 bucks. And they smell. The grown-up flavors… are Overpriced Latte Playdoh. Mom Jeans. Dad Sneakers. Grill King which smells like smoke Meat. Spa Day… which is floral. And Lord of the Lawn… Playdoh that smells like fresh-cut grass.
Seems like a great idea. But in the comments, people complain… you really can’t smell anything. This is so 2020. Even Playdoh… is disappointing.
I am Grateful that the negativity on Facebook has evaporated... overnight.
Gratitude at Thanksgiving time is an inspired idea. The amazing part we had to be reminded to show it, in these difficult times ...and since this is my social media I’m gonna I’d like to tell you what I’m grateful for.
I sit in front of a stick and I tell the stick what time it is. If you were in this studio with me it’d seem ludicrous. Why is the man telling that stick the temperature. It’s easy to forget in this little room that my foam covered stick is attached to a tower that adds 50,000 watts of power to my simple voice and it radiates for a hundred miles.
It’s both a privilege …and a responsibility…. hummbly accept every day…. knowing that my job… is to seek truth. And at some point in the course of each show, I’m going to make a complete idiot of myself.
And given that truth … I’'m grateful that for all my attitrubutes and failings. …. you’re willing to have me ride with you in the car… or invite me into your home.
So I’d like to offer my gratitude for you. You. The silent partner in our relationship. Thank you for giving me a sense of purpose… and every once in a while sharing a laugh here
And thank you … for making facebook bearable.
Flying Puppy Delivery!
This could be the most rewarding job in the world. And it didn’t even exist before the pandemic.
Back then… you wanted a dog … you went to the pound… met your new best friend and went home.
Nowadays… the shelter’s empty … those pups pop in for five minutes… and they’re snapped-up by families desperate for pandemic love.
So the next stop is KSL.com where puppy prices are have shot to the moon. We discovered two puppies on KSL.com Let me tell ya. I coulda bought a MacBook Pro … a couple of iphone 12’s and a Playstation 5… but instead we got Lola and Bean.
And since then… the prices gone higher… and you have to reserve a puppy yet to be born. Sometimes… yet to be conceived. If you could imagine spending 3-grand for a gleam in some breeder’s eye.
Which brings us to the new job title. Puppy Deliverer.
Families deseprate for Doodles …scour the entire country to secure the perfect pet. And when they find a furry bundle of love in a faraway city… they hire a puppy delivery service. A person who’s purpose in life is to shepard adorable sheepadoodles and labradoodles between cities.
Sue Murphy is one of these flight nannies. She’ll escort your little bundle of trouble from its city of birth… to Salt Lake City for $450. Plus the cost of the plane ticket.
And like Ole Saint Nick… she’ll soar through the sky this holiday season… delivering happiness.
Dolly Cures Covid
The ever-prolific Dolly Parton has a new album out this week. It’s called Holly Dolly Christmas. She’s 74 years old... she’s cranking out the music.
But that’s not what this Minute is about. This one’s about the hillbilly superstar with an endless string of hit songs… who cured the Coronavirus.
And I’m not kidding.
Dolly Parton cured Covid.
Back in April ,A surgeon from Vanderbilt University told his friend Dolly… we’re doing some interesting work searching for a Covid cure. So Way back in April while most of us were watching Tiger King… Dolly donated a million dollars to the Vanderbilt Institute for Infection & Immunology.
And wouldn’t you know… their research laid the groundwork for the vaccine that was just announced by Moderna. The one that’s supposed to be 95-percent effective. Dolly… donated an important
Back in the day… Dolly used to laugh that she looks like a trash-and-flash… town trollop. But as she continues to sing… and as she continues to do good works… Dolly Parton has just become America’s Covid Fairy Princess.
Merry Christmas Dolly. And thanks a million.
The Fresh Prince Re-Boot!
Times change. For instance. You don't your 90’s membership card til you know the lyrics to this….
But Times Change. Fresh Prince was a lighthearted sitcom. But with serious moments. Like when Will and Carlton got pulled over….
But mostly the show was as just as light as the theme song.
Times Change though. And now… the trailer has dropped for a Fresh Prince reboot. Wait …wait.
It’s not a comedy. In a year filled iwth protests and black lives matter...
This is a drama. Will gets caught with a gun…
and he moves in with his Aunt Viv and Uncle Phil in California.
The reboot on NBC’s Peacock is called Bel-Air. Its been guaranteed a two-season run. Will people watch… a serious show about the Fresh PRince
Will Smith is not in Bel-Air. But he is one of the producers.
Will it be a success? the trailer’s already been 7 million times.
The Great Whale Explosion of 1970
One of the greatest moment in the history of television news happened 50 years ago today. It’s the anniversary of the day a giant whale washed up on an Oregon beach.
A Portland TV station sent reporter Paul Linman …who bore witness …as… well… he can explain.
— cart 1
They put a half ton of dynamite under the whale. This did not go well….
Listen for the giant chunks of blubber raining down everywhere.
In 2020 we would have called this whale disposal effort a “fail.” But it led to some of the greatest tv reporting in history… 50 yeatrs ago today.
Weird Presidential Pets
Much is being made of the fact that animals will return to the White House in January.
I’m referring to the Biden family pets. A pair of German Shepards… Major .. and Champ while scamper across the White House lawn from time to time.
But they won’t be the first. When Woodrow Wilson was president… World War I was raging and he wanted to preserve human resources for the fight. So he brought in a flock of sheep to manage the White House lawn. The New York Times says that after two years… the sheep were sheared… and each state was given two pounds of wool to auction off for the Red Cross. It raised $50,000 for the Red Cross. But humans had to clean up the sheep droppings.
Calvin Coolidge had a raccoon. He used to put it on a leash and walk it after dinner.
Herbert Hoover used the raccoon pen as home for his pet oppossum.
President Eisenhower had a baby elephant named Dzimbo. Gift to him by an African leader.
The Kennedy’s had Macaroni the Pony.
While Washington is often called a swamp… but it might be more accurate to call it a Zoo.
Small Turkeys for Thanksgiving
Ever see video of a turkey waddling around a farmyard? Shuffling and gobbling and changing direction willy That’s exactly what turkey wholesalers are doing this Thanksgiving.
The decisions about this Thanksgiving were made months and months ago … When they were done shuffling and changing course about turkey production … in March, April, and May… they settled on the idea that Americans will have fewer people at the thanksgiving table… so we’ll produce smaller turkeys.
Tina Turkeys. Tom seems to be getting the year off. 8 pound birds dominate the grocer’s freezer. Most retailers have decreased their orders for big turkeys this year. But don’t you want a big bird?
Easy there fella. My wife made the clicklist order for an 18 pound turkey. Smiths substituted offering us an 8 pound bird. We’ll have to go hunting for our turkey. I mean at different grocery stores.
They say the turkey’s supposed to be one pound for every guest at the table. So really… we'd only need 8 pounds for our smaller gathering this yeart. But here’s where the grocery industry mighta messed up.
I. want. leftovers.
I want second thanksgiving on Friday. I want to nibble on the lingering shards of turkey out of a tupperware container along with the last smidge of stuffing… on Saturday … while I watch football. And on Sunday I want to shout to my wife “is this still good?
And it is good. Whatever ends up on our table… we’ll be thankful. Even if it’s TWO… 8 pound turkeys.
The Matriarch of Chinese Food
Ever order Kung Pao Chicken… or Moo Shoo Pork from the Chinese place up the street.
You can thank Cecelia Chang. Her family fled China during World War II… and in1961 … she opened a restaurant near Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco… It offered never-before tasted dishes… that her well-to-do family used to enjoy back in Beijing.
This wasn’t chop suey and chow mein. This was Chinese flavors and tastes that took the cuisine to the next level. Potstickers .. that’s her.
The restaurant languished… until it was discovered by a newspaper food critic… and suddenly she had lines outside the door. Cecilia Chang expanded to Beverly Hills… and versions of her Chinese dishes popped up in every city and town in America.
She offered cooking classes… at the restaurant… and her students included Julia Child. And into her 90’s… she continued to mentor the next generation of Chinese chefs.
Last week… Cecelia Chang died at the age of 100.
And even if you don’t like the food she brought to America… you’ll see a monument to her in downtown Salt Lake. Her son followed in her footsteps… and he is the Chang… in PF Changs.